


Creep

by littlebirdtold



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Chatting & Messaging, Fandom fic, Humor, M/M, Mild D/s, Rimming, non-consensual kink (there's NO non-con; just a kink)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-23
Updated: 2013-10-23
Packaged: 2017-12-30 07:05:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1015612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlebirdtold/pseuds/littlebirdtold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>#1: Fandom AU. Jim is a fandom nobody who has been crushing on a famous BNF writer for ages. Too bad the BNF in question doesn't know of his existence. Features ⌂grumpy_b, also a fandom nobody (who is damn happy to be one), and ⌂nero001, the biggest wanker in Star Trek: TOS fandom.<br/>#2: College AU. A story of a fucked up non-relationship between a popular jock and the resident creep.<br/>One story, two storylines, one love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Creep

**Author's Note:**

> All LJ usernames are fake. Any similarity to any existing usernames is purely coincidental. The Vulcan word "kaiidth" is misspelled intentionally, because, as it turned out, that username was taken. Written for fun.
> 
> Many thanks to the lovely bigmamag for the awesome beta job. 
> 
> Originally posted in 2011.

* * *

 

 

**Part I**

 

  
**Captain_Fine** : Damn, did you read it, Bones? The new fic?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Yup, just finished. Not bad. Not bad at all. Though, the technical mumbo-jumbo is a bit over the top. That shit made my head hurt.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Are you kidding me? The fic is perfect! His Spock voice is spot-on, as always. I've no idea how he pulls it off, but damn. Damn.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Your hard-on for that girl isn't even amusing anymore.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Oh STFU. Kaildth is a guy. I'm sure of it.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Well, if you’re so sure.  
  
  
Jim hadn't thought it was possible to  _type_ sarcastically until he met  **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul**  (gmail), aka  **⌂grumpy_b**  (livejournal), aka Bones (real life) – though Jim hadn't believed for a second that Bones' name really was Bones until Bones showed him his ID when they met at a Star Trek convention two years ago. Apparently Bones' parents were huge Star Trek fans. Jim's parents certainly weren't. His mom simply had a very bad sense of humor and his dad figured it would be cool for his son to have the same name as a famous fictional captain, in addition to the last name Kirk. Jim sometimes wondered how the hell he'd ended up in Star Trek fandom; as far as his friends were concerned, Jim hated his namesake and everything involved with it.  
  
He typed his response.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : He writes like a guy. And he said he was a guy.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Of course he did. And people never make up shit on the Internet.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Come on. I don't really want to have this argument all over again. He's a guy. My gut tells me so and my gut is never wrong.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Oh for Christ's sake. Just think about it, Jim! If Kaildth really were a guy, then why wouldn't he attend any conventions? He always comes up with some lame excuse or another. And come on, what are the odds of Kaildth being a guy? There are no guys in fandom!  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I hate to break it to you, Bones, but…we're kind of guys.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Ha fucking ha. Anyway, if you're so hot for Kaildth, why don't you, I dunno, try  _talking_ to him?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : You're kidding, right? He's Kaildth!  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : And?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : "And?" He's a BNF! He gets, like, hundreds of comments on every fic and his stories are recced all over the place. If I left a comment, he wouldn't notice it anyway. I'm a fucking nobody.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Come on, you aren't.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Compared to him, I am. I get, like, 10 comments on my fic, and that's if I'm lucky.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : 10 is better than the one comment I got on  _Forever Mine._  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I told you to pick a different title.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Title isn't everything, dammit. And a title like that is much better than those pretentious titles consisting entirely of 10-dollar words. Pretentious as fuck. "Forever Mine" might not be the best title out there, but one frigging comment?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I think you shouldn't put all the blame on the title. Chapel/Hypo isn't exactly the most popular pairing out there.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : You told me it was  _original_.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Well, yeah, but that sort of thing isn't everyone's cup of tea. It's a bit squicky, you know?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : I don't remember you telling me anything about it being squicky when I gave it to you for a read-through.  
  
  
Jim groaned. Great. Now Bones was offended. Giving honest feedback to friends sucked. He refused to beta Bones' stuff for a reason.  
  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Well, whatever. Anyway, I'm still a nobody compared to Kaildth. I bet he doesn't even know my username. He's probably never read my stuff. BNFs don't read fanfic of nobodies.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : If you use the word "nobody" again, I swear I'll hypo you!  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I hate to break it to you again, but you don't have hypos, Bones.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : *evil laugh* I so have! I ordered one on ebay for $32.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I'm embarrassed to know you.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Shut up. I'm not the one who spent $400 on a Kirk uniform. And I'm not the one who bought a self-lubricating green dildo for $200.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I'm not drinking with you again. Ever.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : You will when you finally find out that Kaildth is a wrinkled grandma in her 60s and not a hot guy with a big dick.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Oh shut it. I swear you talk about him more than I do. Aw, do I have to start worrying, Bones?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Yeah, right. Don't worry, he's all yours. That is, if you finally man up and talk to him.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : It's not that I don't want to. I just don't want to be one of many, you know? I don't wanna come across like a fanboy with a crush.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Jim, you  _are_ a fanboy with a crush.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I'm not. It's not just a crush, Bones. Crushes don't last for years. You know, I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I think I love him.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Tell me you're kidding. You can't love a guy you've never met and never exchanged even a word with.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Why not? I've been following him for so long that I feel like I know him, you know?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : No, I  _don't_  know, and I really hope you're just fucking with me.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Fine, don't believe me. It doesn't matter, though. I'm not gonna talk to him. I don't want to sound like a retard, and I know I would. Fuck, it's Kaildth, and I'm just some wannabe porn writer.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Cut yourself some slack, Jim. Many would kill for your talent to write NC-17, and even Kaildth would probably be among them.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : hey, his sex scenes are fine!  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Sure, if you're into Spock's bending Kirk against every available surface and fucking the living daylights out of him. I mean, what's wrong with Kirk topping once in a while? But then again, you  _are_ into being bent against surfaces and having the living daylights fucked out of you, so…  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : You don't know for sure that you aren't into it too. You just never tried it, so you don't know what you're missing out on. Believe me, it's AWESOME, Bones!  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Oh I believe you. No need to go into details. And no need to use caps. Caps are retarded.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : You've gotta be the most prudish slasher in the world.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Dammit, Jim, I'm not a slasher! I ship het, too.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yup, and let's not forget that Sheppard/Atlantis is your OTP.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Damn right it is. And you've got no room to judge. I'm not the one who wrote a Sheppard/Wraith Todd fic. You know, there's kinky and then there's  _creepy_ , Jim.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Hey, no one forced you to read it! Just stick to the first rule of fandom: don't like, don't read. And by the way, that fic got the most comments out of all my stuff.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Which says a lot about fandom. Fandom is full of sick, crazy people!  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Thanks. I think.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : You're welcome. Seriously, though, there's something weird about Kaildth's sex scenes. They always have this odd, I dunno… maybe desperate, or obsessive note in them. Damn, I can't think of the right word. "Obsessive" is probably the closest word, though.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Oh come on, Bones. Don't tell me you actually believe those crap rumors?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : What crap rumors? There're a lot of crap rumors in fandom.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : That Kirk, and Spock's feelings for Kirk, are based on Kaildth's real life unrequited feelings. I'm sure it's bullshit. It's Nero spreading the rumors, and you know how much she wants everyone to believe that in real life Kaildth is a pathetic loser.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : There might be something to Nero's words, though. And by the way, Nero said he was a guy.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah. Right.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : But Jim, he said so! It's gotta be true, right?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Ha very ha. You're hilarious, Bones.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : I know I am. And I'm right, Jim. There's something unhealthy about the way Kaildth writes the sex part. Sure, his sex scenes are always hot, but sometimes they border on the verge of creepy. Don't you think?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Nope. I just don't see it, sorry.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Only because you've got a crush the size of Texas on the dude—sorry, I meant because you luuurve him. It's pretty obvious to everyone else. Didn't you see people commenting about it? And I don't mean those OMG IT WAS SO HOT, IT MADE ME SO WET THAT I HAD TO CHANGE MY PANTIES comments.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I see absolutely nothing wrong with those kind of comments. They're flattering as hell. But it's not like I have nothing better to do than read the comments other people leave him. I'm not that pathetic.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : …yet. Seriously, Jim, just talk to him, for god's sake! You're driving me nuts.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Aw, Bones, are you trying to play matchmaker? How sweet of you! I've always known that very, very deep down, you're a romantic at heart!  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Oh fuck you.  
  
  
  
Bones logged off.  
  
Still chuckling, Jim closed the chat and opened livejournal.  
  
He clicked on Kaildth's LJ—which he had bookmarked, of course, being the pathetic fanboy he was—and went right to the last chapter of Kaildth's newest fic. The cursor hovered over the ‘Leave a comment’ link for a few moments before Jim took a death breath and finally clicked on it.  
  
Bones was right, damn it.  
  
It wouldn't kill him to leave a simple comment. He could totally do it. There was no reason for him to flip out over it. He could totally act cool.  
  
Totally.  
  
Before he could change his mind, Jim typed a few words and hit the ‘Post Comment’ button.  
  
⌂ **captain_fine** : Hey, I really enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing!  
  
He looked at his comment for a little while before deciding to add a few words.  
  
Edit:  
⌂ **captain_fine** : This was fun. I really enjoyed this. Thank you for sharing! Hey, have you ever thought of writing a sequel?  
  
As soon as he hit Post Comment, Jim grimaced. Really? The fic was over 150,000 words long and he loved every second of it. He could do better than that. The story deserved better—Kaildth deserved better.  
  
Edit:  
⌂ **captain_fine** : That was a lot of fun. Hey, have you ever thought of writing a sequel? Not that there were any plot holes or anything—the story is great as is, really. I just would love to read more about Kirk and Spock's life after the end of the 5-year mission. This was still an awesome read, though. Loved it! <3  
  
  
 _Smooth. Real smooth, Kirk._  
  
Jim edited the comment again, deleting the stupid heart, but when he hit Post Comment, he remembered that Kaildth would get every version of his comment to his email. Fuck. Talk about pathetic.  
  
He edited the comment one more time:  
  
⌂ **captain_fine** : I really hope you have turned off email notification. If you haven't, please just ignore my nervous babbling, ok? It's probably hard to believe, but I'm really not that much of a loser as I seem. Really. :) All I wanted to say is that it was an awesome read. I really liked what you did with Spock here; his voice was one of my favorite things about the story. I know damn well how hard it is to find his voice–-to find the perfect balance between logic and emotion. That's the reason I never write from Spock's POV: I'm scared shitless of making him OOC. Sure, it's easy to write him as a completely logical, cool-headed creature, but stories like that more often than not lack emotional depth and, to be honest, are unconvincing. Too many authors seem to forget that Vulcans' emotions run deeper than that of any other species. You're one of the few writers who can truly pull his voice off. Great job.  
  
  
Before he could give in to the temptation to edit it again, Jim quickly closed his laptop and, burying his face in his hands, groaned quietly.  
  
Christ.  
  
He couldn't believe how he could be so socially awkward and downright pathetic in fandom. He'd never had a problem like that in real life. Hell, if Rick and Gary found out that he was reduced to the equivalent of a stuttering loser, unable to string two words together in an online one-sided conversation with a guy he'd never met, they would laugh their asses off.  
  
The thing was, in fandom, Jim couldn't help but feel a bit like an ugly duckling among swans. It was more than a little ironic, considering that he had no problem with his self-esteem in real life. He knew damn well how good he looked and had never hesitated to use it to his advantage. Hell, he had used his looks ever since he was a toddler, as soon as he figured out that he could get away with pretty much anything as long as he widened his baby blues and smiled. He knew he was a likeable guy, knew how to make people love him, knew how to make even the straightest guys out there drool all over him.  
  
But in fandom, none of that mattered. Regardless of Bones' words, he  _was_ a nobody in fandom. So yeah, he felt like the worst kind of loser trying to chat up the most popular guy, even though, for all he knew, Kaildth really could be an old, toothless grandma. Actually, considering how old Star Trek fandom was, the probability of him being an old, toothless grandma was much higher than him being a hot, young dude.  
  
  
Jim's cell phone went off. Putting the laptop aside, he got out of bed and picked the phone up from the desk.  
  
He grimaced upon seeing who was calling: Mike, the guy he’d slept with twice and who had gotten into his head that they had something special going on. "Hey."  
  
"Hey, Jim. It's me. I just wanted—"  
  
Jim reached for his jeans. "Look. I thought we talked about it already. I'm not looking for long-term relationships right now. I thought I was pretty clear about it from the beginning."  
  
"Yeah, but I thought—"  
  
"Sorry, but you thought wrong," Jim said, not unkindly but firmly, kicking off his shorts and sliding into the jeans.  
  
It wasn't that he enjoyed being a dick—he didn't. Sleeping with Mike again would have been a dickish thing to do. Jim felt bad enough about fucking a guy when he was sort of in love with another guy, but having an actual relationship? He wasn't that much of an asshole. It was for Mike's own good, really. The guy had started gazing him deeply in the eyes, trailing his fingers over Jim's cheekbones, and generally acting like a giant sap. That was no good. "Look, Mike, I've gotta go, or I'll be late for my class. See you around." Or not.  
  
Flipping the phone shut, Jim glanced at his watch and cursed. If he didn't hurry up, he was going to be late.

 

 

 

  
~*~

 

  
  
"Your fanboy is staring at you again."  
  
"Leave it, Gary," Jim said with a shake of his head, not lifting his gaze from his notes. "Looking isn't a crime."  
  
Rick, who was seated on his other side, nudged him. "Gary's right, though, Jim. It's creepy as fuck. All the staring, I mean."  
  
Jim shrugged and cast a look toward the familiar bowl cut and its owner. The Creep, as Gary nicknamed him a few months ago when they first noticed all the staring, was sitting alone, as always. Jim didn't know his name, but he was pretty sure the guy was one of the Astrophysics geeks. That was the only class they shared.  
  
Meeting the guy's brown eyes, Jim smiled slightly at him and watched in some amusement as Creep's nostrils flared. Jim had half-hoped the guy would blush, but he never did—his face so pale that it seemed to have greenish hue.  
  
Smirking a bit, Jim returned to his notes. "Leave him alone, guys. He shouldn't be blamed for having great taste."  
  
Gary snorted. "Great taste? With a bowl cut like that?"  
  
"No, man, really," Rick said, shaking his head and glancing uneasily at Creep. "He doesn't look at you in the 'I wish I could get my hands on that ass' way. Plenty of people do, and it's no biggie. But the way he looks at you…it gives me the creeps. It's unnatural to have no facial expression whatsoever all the goddamn time, but when he looks at you—and he pretty much always does when you're in the same room—his eyes go all dark and maniacal. Like he wants to corner you in a dark alley."  
  
Jim chuckled. "Oh come on, Rick. The guy is a total geek. He's as threatening as a mouse."  
  
"It's always the quiet ones," Rick said stubbornly, still glancing uneasily at Creep.  
  
"Hey, he's right," Gary said, nudging Jim idly with his knee. "In horror flicks, it's always the quiet, scientific type who turns out to be a serial killer."  
  
Jim nodded solemnly. "All right, guys, you totally convinced me. I'm shaking like a leaf now. After all, it's not like I can defend myself against scrawny geeks or anything."  
  
Rick sighed. "Do you ever take anything seriously, Jim?"  
  
"Nope," Jim said with a grin and cast a sideways look at Creep.  
  
Who was still staring at him.  
  
Licking his lips, Jim averted his gaze. If he was totally honest with himself, he had to admit his friends might have a point. The way Creep looked at him was just  _weird_. The guy didn't seem embarrassed at all when Jim caught him looking, as if it didn't even occur to him to be embarrassed.  
  
It intrigued Jim a bit. He had always been a sucker for a good mystery.  
  
"We can go talk to him," Gary suggested suddenly with a wicked grin. "Find out what problem he's got with you."  
  
Jim groaned, running a hand over his face. "Come on, leave it, Gary. We aren't in high school anymore. You're such a baby sometimes."  
  
"Hey, it's actually a good idea," Rick said, perking up. "Ask him what's up with all the staring, I mean. It's driving  _me_ nuts already. I dunno how you can stand it."  
  
Sighing, Jim lifted his palms up. "All right, fine! I'll go ask him. Happy now?"  
  
Ignoring their protests that they wanted to go too, Jim stood up and headed to the Creep. Professor Higgins wasn't in yet, so he only got a few curious looks from other students as he dropped himself in the chair next to Creep, whose posture went so stiff that it couldn't possibly be comfortable.  
  
"Look, buddy, what is your problem?" Jim said with sigh, just wanting to get it over with.  
  
Creep met his eyes and raised an eyebrow. "Pardon?"  
  
His confident, deep voice startled Jim. He wasn't sure what, exactly, he’d been expecting–-maybe some stammering or something–-but definitely not this.  
  
"Come on, don't play coy. You stare at me. All the time."  
  
The Creep looked at him as if Jim was some curious—and not particularly intelligent—specimen. "I was not aware it was forbidden to look at where one pleases to."  
  
Jim blinked. Who the hell talked like that in real life?  
  
"Nope, not forbidden. I could care less about what you stare at as long as it isn't me. So again, why?"  
  
The Creep gave him a long, cool look, his gaze taking in Jim's face, then down his body. "You are pleasing to the eye."  
  
Jim opened his mouth then closed it, having no clue what to say. It wasn't the first time he’d been given compliments on his looks—hell, far from it—but he'd never been given them in such a detached, cool tone.  
  
"Let me get this straight: you stare at me so rudely because you like how I look? That's it?"  
  
The guy tilted his head slightly, as though considering it. "Oversimplification, but correct."  
  
"There are plenty of other good-looking students here. Why me?"  
  
Creep met his gaze, dark eyes fixing him with an inscrutable expression.  
  
"Your physical appearance stimulates my senses."  
  
Okay.  
  
"In other words, you have a hard-on for me."  
  
The Creep didn't break eye contact. "Negative. At the moment I am not fully aroused."  
  
Jim's eyes widened. His gaze quickly swept down the guy's body to his groin, but because of the baggy clothes the guy was wearing, it was impossible to tell if he was sporting a semi. "‘Not fully aroused?’" he repeated.  
  
"Correct," the guy said, and Jim finally realized what his pattern of speech reminded him of: Spock. Hilariously, even the bowl cut fit.  
  
"Okay," he said, having no clue what else to say. Was the guy socially retarded or something? People just didn't say stuff like that – or at least, not in such a detached tone. "So you want me." It wasn't a question, but Jim had to say it aloud, to make sure he got it right.  
  
"'Want?'" the Creep repeated, as if it was a bizarre word. "Indeed, I wish to have sexual intercourse with you."  
  
Jim's mouth fell open. "What, now?"  
  
The Creep looked at him as if  _Jim_ was the weird one. "Certainly not. I cannot see how that would be accomplished considering the lack of supplies and the presence of other students."  
  
Jim had had enough. The longer he talked to this guy, the more bewildered and unsettled he got. Either the guy was having him on, or he was batshit crazy; there was no other explanation.  
  
Smiling crookedly, he got up. "All right, buddy. Nice joke there, but I've gotta go. Just stop staring at me all the time, got it? It's getting on my nerves."  
  
"I was not attempting to joke," the guy said, his deep brown eyes going so  _intense_ for a moment that Jim felt something in his stomach tighten.  
  
"I'm," Jim said intelligently before turning swiftly and going back to his friends. Even with his back to him, Jim could feel the Creep's eyes boring into him. The hair on the back of his neck prickled.  
  
"You were right, guys," he told Gary and Rick. "He's a weirdo."  
  
But he couldn't help but glance back at the Creep.  
  
Who was still watching him.

 

 

 

  
~*~

 

  
  
**HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : So? Did you leave him a review?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : god, don't even remind me. I want to die just thinking about it.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Huh? What happened?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I edited the comment, like, ten times before remembering that he would get a notification every time I edited it. I feel like the biggest loser in the world, Bones. :(  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Yep, sucks to be you. It sucks to have loving parents, it sucks to look like a movie star, it sucks to be the captain of the college's soccer team, and it really sucks to have lots of friends. It also sucks to be in the top 10 percent of your class. You're the definition of a loser, Jim.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I'm serious, Bones.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : I'm serious, too. You're being ridiculous, Jim. Why does it matter so much what Kaildth thinks of you? He's a guy you've never met and probably will never meet, unless he finally shows up at one of the conventions.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah, maybe. Maybe you're right.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Damn right I am! Besides, I'm sure he's a dick. All BNFs are.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Oh come on, not you too, Bones! It's hilarious how people start hating on writers and artists when they become popular. I know it's in to stand out by criticizing popular stuff or music, but to be honest, it's just pathetic.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Pathetic? Jim, I can name at least ten BNFs in different fandoms who are huge wankers, and I wouldn't even need to go over FandomWank to refresh my memory. BNFs are EVIL! All they do is have pissing contests among them while pretending to be best friends forever. It makes me sick. They make me sick. Arrogant wankers, all of them!  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Don't you think it's a bit harsh and unfair to write them all off? Who said that only because some BNFs are self-important wankers, Kaildth has to be one, too? I've been following him for years and he doesn't strike me as an arrogant asshole. He always keeps his distance from any wank.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Whatever you say, Jimmy boy. Anyway, the whole BNF-thing confuses the crap out of me. How can one tell who is a BNF and who isn't? Is there some unwritten rule I don't know of? Like, if a writer or an artist gets over n comments, then they are a BNF? Or is that about the amount of friends? Or Delicious saves? It's not like any of the BNFs would ever admit that they are a BNF. It's frustrating as fuck. Like that time a year ago, when I got into the Inception fandom and accidentally offended their BNF without knowing that she was a BNF. How the hell was I supposed to know?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yup, it would have been very helpful if they had it written on their icons. To avoid the confusion.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : I know, right?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Wait, were you being sarcastic? Goddammit, I miss the good old times when things were so much simpler. We used to call "Big Name Fans" people who'd been in fandom for decades, the ones who did a lot of organizing work at conventions, etc. Now, it's like fandom is a high school, and BNFs are the popular jocks and hot cheerleaders we normal people love and can't stand at the same time.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : hey, I was a popular jock in high school, and I'll have you know, everyone adored me!  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : To your face, maybe.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : You just have to ruin all my bright childhood memories, don't you? Wait a sec, I've got a new email.  
  
  
  
Jim opened his inbox and froze, seeing a single message.

 

 

 

  
Hi, ⌂ **captain_fine** ,  
 **⌂kaildth**  sent you a message on Livejournal: (no subject).  
The message was:

  
_Hello,  
I only wished to say that you should never apologize for reviewing. I do not think of you as a 'loser,' and it was impossible for me to ignore your comments as you wished me to, since I never ignore a single comment I receive. I am aware that many think that since I do not reply to reviews, it means I do not read them or do not appreciate them. It is not true. It pleases me that you enjoyed the story. I am especially pleased that you liked Spock's characterization, since in the past I have been accused numerous times in either making him "sound like a robot" or "so emotional that it's totally OOC"—and curiously, sometimes I receive both types of reviews on the same very story.  
  
I do not intend to write a sequel, but I thank you for reading and commenting.  
  
Sincerely,  
Kaildth_  
  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : OMG OMG Bones!!  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : What?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : He PM'ed me!  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Who?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Kaildth!  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : No shit? And what did he say?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : That I shouldn't apologize for gushing and that he doesn't think I'm a loser!  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : And? That's it?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Well, he also thanked me for reading and commenting.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : And you're flipping out over that?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Maybe it's not much, but come on! It's Kaildth.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Jesus, Jim. I wish you would finally meet him in RL, get disappointed and forget all about him. He's just a dude. Maybe isn't even a dude.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : you're such a Debbie Downer, Bones. Fuck, should I reply to him?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : If you wanna come out as a creepy stalker, you should.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Speaking of creepy stalkers, I've got one myself.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Huh?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : There's a strange guy at college. He's a total creep. He stares at me all the time.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : and?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : So yesterday, I got sick of that and asked him what's his problem. He told me he wanted to have sexual intercourse with me. In those words, Bones.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Huh?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I know, right? Crazy.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Did you take him up on the offer?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Bones!  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I'm not a slut!  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Well, not a total slut. And I have standards, you know!  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Standards? You?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Oh shut it. I totally do have standards.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : What, he doesn't have a dick?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Once again, your wit astounds me, Bones.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Envy is a sin, you know.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Anyway, it doesn't matter if he's up to my standards or not. I decided to stop hooking up with people while all I can think about is Kaildth. It's unfair to them, you know? Even though I always say I'm not interested in a real relationship, they still get attached.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : O_o.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : See, Bones? I can totally be sensitive to other people's feelings.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : It's not that. You might be a bit of a jerk, but you're a good kid, so I'm not surprised by that.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Then what?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Your chances with Kaildth are zero. Are you seriously saying you're gonna be a monk for the rest of your life?

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

[LJ post by ⌂ **nero001** ]

  
⌂ **nero001** : So I finally read a certain fic posted a few days ago. Gotta say I haven't laughed so hard in a long time, though I'm sure the author—the one we all know and love—didn't write the story with that goal in mind. But I don't want to sound like a broken record, so I'll say nothing this time.

 

 

 

  
381 comments – Leave a comment

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⌂ **mcshepgirl411** : Awesome! Star Trek fandom has been boring lately. *gets popcorn*  
               ⌂ **j2rulestheworld_** :  *Joins you*   
                              [](http://pics.livejournal.com/littlebirdtold/pic/0000612q/)  
                                       ⌂ **jxjsquee** : Excuse me my fangirl moment, but damn. I wanna lick down his throat and do dirty, filthy things to him.  
                                                      ⌂ **j2rulestheworld** :  who doesn't? :D  
⌂ **khan_stfan** : IKR? I just don't get how crappy fic like that gets hundreds of gushing reviews.  
          ⌂ **nero001** :  People are sheep. Mindless, stupid sheep.  
                  ⌂ **khan_stfan** : My thoughts exactly. Though I bet a lot of people think like us. They're just too spineless to say it aloud.  
                  ⌂ **huraaama** : +1  
                  ⌂ **romulanboy** : +2  
                  ⌂ **crazybitch666** : +3  
                  ⌂ **viysammyk** : +4  
                         ⌂ **spn_lover41** : SHEEP DETECTED.  
                                       
                                                 ⌂ **kickass_boots** :  Is that just me, or is that sheep really kissing the ass of the other one?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
                                                             
                                                                 ⌂ **spn_lover41** : LMAO Appropriate comment is appropriate. :D  
                                                
⌂ **hot4stonn** : Although I cannot say that I disagree with you—his Spock is too illogical for a Vulcan— I am also curious. Why do you keep reading his stories if you hated everything he has ever written?  
          ⌂ **nero001** :  I do it mostly for the LOLs and also to learn how *not* to write a fic.  
                    
⌂ **frank67** : Dude, no offence, but I've gotta say you really do sound like a broken record.  I like reading your LJ, but your Kaildth hate got old, like, a year ago.  
          ⌂ **nero001** : Never put you for a Kaildth fanboy.  
                    ⌂ **frank67** :  As if. His stuff doesn't do much for me, but it's an OK jerk-off material.  
                            ⌂ **nero001** : Ugh. BRB throwing up.  
  
⌂ **q_is_the_shit** : Hmm. You know, I've always wondered why you hate the guy so much. What did he do to you? Killed your kittens? Stole your plotbunnies? Oh wait, I know! He probably stole your fame, the bastard. How dares he?  
          ⌂ **erminaar** : I wanna make love to this comment.  
                    ⌂ **kickass_boots** :  +1  
                    ⌂ **madeinrusssia** :+2  
          ⌂ **nero001** :  Is that so hard to believe that I'm just being OBJECTIVE?  
                    ⌂ **q_is_the_shit:**  To be honest? Yes.  
                    ⌂ **castielissa** : Hey, stay cool, Nero. :D It's hard to come out as OBJECTIVE when you're yelling at people. Just sayin.'  
         
⌂ **madeinrusssia** : You're pathetic, Nero. You wish you could be half the writer Kaildth is!  
         ⌂ **nero001** : Ahhh, here he comes: the Number One Kaildth fan. Go to bed, kiddo. Your mommy will disapprove if you're late for school again.  
                       ⌂ **madeinrusssia** : Пошел на хуй, придурок.  
                                  ⌂ **nero001** : Er? What's that supposed to mean?  
                                          ⌂ **fergyone** : Google Translate is your friend, Nero.  
                                          ⌂ **kickass_boots** : Basically, he called you an idiot and suggested you to go fuck yourself. I speak all Russian dialects, but this expression is universal.  
                                                 
⌂ **thrustersonfull1** : I can't remember a day passing without you mentioning Kaildth in one context or another. I wouldn't be terribly surprised if it turns out that you know his fics by heart and sleep with them under your pillow – after you fap to them, of course. A girl with a crush much? :P  
          ⌂ **yeomang** : Ahahahaha. THIS!  
          ⌂ **castielissa** : LOL Now I can't get this image out of my head. *shudders*  
  
⌂ **grumpy_b** : Never change, Nero. That shit never gets old. Every hero needs a bad villain, and you play the part perfectly.  
⌂  **spirkklove61** : I've got nothing to say, so I'll just say this:

 

⌂ [deleted comment]  
⌂ [deleted comment]  
…

  
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* * *

 

 

 

  
**Part II**

**Captain_Fine** : Damn, looks like I missed all the fun, as usual. My friends page has been certainly interesting this morning.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Uh huh. Nero's latest wank is already all over LJ. God, what a tool. I can't believe I'm saying this, but sometimes it sucks to be a BNF.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I know, right? We're lucky to be fandom nobodies. No one cares enough to wank over our fic. Huh, it's gotta be an unwritten rule: the day your name comes up in a wank, you're officially a somebody.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : To be fair to Nero, at least he has the guts to say what he thinks out there in the open. Very few people do.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Bones, don't give her credit when it isn't due. Don't you remember how everyone found out about Nero's hate for Kaildth?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Not really. It's been what, two, three years ago? I was out of the fandom at the time–-had a Sherlock thing going on. So, what's the story? And stop referring to Nero as "her." It's confusing the crap out of me.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Alright, whatever. Nero used to be on Kaildth's flist. I'm not sure if it's true, but rumor has it they were even going to collaborate on something, but then, apparently, Kaildth backed out—no one knows why. Nero got all butthurt and trashed one of Kaildth's fics as an Anon. Naturally, someone traced Nero's IP, and the huge wank ensued. Nero used to be a pretty popular writer, remember? Even though a bitter, jealous, semi-BNF bad mouthing a BNF behind the BNF's back is pretty tame wank compared to, say, those epic Supernatural wanks, the wank was still pretty huge. So nope, Nero's bad-mouthing Kaildth so openly isn't an act of courage or anything. There's just no point of return for him.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Ah, right. Now I remember.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I sent a reply to Kaildth this morning, by the way.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : No shit? What did you write him?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I'll copy-paste it for you. Wait a sec.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Here it is:  
  
Hey, thanks for taking the time to send this message to me. It was an unexpected but totally pleasant surprise. Though I guess I understand why you didn't simply reply to my comment; I still remember the petty wank from a few months ago when you replied to just a few comments out of the hundreds you received on  _Taking a Sinking Boat_. Speaking of wank…man, I'm sorry about Nero. I really hope yesterday's drama didn't dishearten you or anything. I mean, you're probably used to Nero's constant wanking by now, and I know how people always put on a smile and say things like "haters gonna hate," but deep down, it can't not hurt, right? Well, no one ever wanked over my fic, so I know shit about it, but I don't think it's that different from the time my childhood best friend found out I was gay and started calling me a faggot in public. I told myself I didn't need those kinds of friends, that I shouldn't let some narrow-minded homophobic asshole's opinion get to me, but it still hurt. Like a bitch. And Nero used to be your friend, right?  
  
Shit, I don't even know why I'm telling you that, but I refuse to edit the message. :D  
I just want you to know that you're kind of awesome, man, and I'm very much looking forward to anything you produce. Nero should really go screw himself.  
  
  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : What do you think?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : I've gotta say I'm impressed, Jim. You almost managed not to sound like a totally smitten fanboy.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Fuck off.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : And what's that story about your best friend? Never heard that one before.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Jim?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Doesn't matter. It's been years.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Uh huh. Whatever you say, kid.  


 

 

 

 

~*~

  
  
The Creep was staring at him again.  
  
Jim tried really hard to ignore him, but it was easier said than done.  
  
 _I wish to have sexual intercourse with you._  
  
Fuck, no one said things like that to a complete stranger and in a completely sober state—at least not anyone in their right mind.  
  
Jim stole another glance at the guy, and their gazes met across the room. The Creep's blank expression didn't change. As always, he didn't even have the decency to look embarrassed by being caught.  
  
Seriously, didn't the guy know that it just wasn't done – that it wasn't polite to stare like that?  
  
Jim stared back, figuring what the hell.  
  
A few minutes passed as they looked at each other across the classroom. The urge to blink and look away was getting stronger by the minute, but the Creep wasn't giving up, and well, there was no way Jim was going to.  
  
He had to change his strategy.  
  
Holding the guy's attention, Jim sprawled back in his chair and stretched slightly. He smiled as the Creep's dark eyes followed every movement of his body. Damn, it was almost sad how easily they—men—could be led by their dicks. No wonder women felt so superior.  
  
It was amusing, though.  
  
When Creep's eyes returned to his face, Jim raised his eyebrows with a knowing smile.  
  
Even across the room, Jim could see the guy's eyes go cold, his lips thinning a bit.  
  
He turned away from Jim.  
  
Jim fidgeted, suddenly uncomfortable. He couldn't help feeling a bit like a dick. He hadn't really intended to make fun of the guy's crush on him. Jim would be the first to admit that he was kind of an asshole, but he wasn't that much of an asshole. He liked to think he wasn't that cruel. Besides, he was the last person to make fun of people's crushes.  
  
So as soon as the class was over, Jim threw a distracted "later" to Gary and followed the Creep out of the classroom.  
  
Jim ground his teeth in frustration when he was stopped three times by people he barely knew who wanted "just to say hi" to him. The third time, he almost lost his target in the crowd.  
  
"Hey, wait up!" Jim called out, but his voice was swallowed by the noise of the crowd. Cursing under his breath, he jogged after the Creep to the quiet corridor he had disappeared into.  
  
Jim rounded the corner and yelped as he was slammed hard against the wall.  
  
Hard fingers dug into his forearms, pinning him in place. Equally hard dark eyes glared at him from under the severe line of black hair. "Why are you following me?"  
  
Still a bit out of breath, Jim stared at him, surprised. Their eyes were on the same level. He’d thought the Creep was shorter.  
  
"Look, I just wanted to apologize for being a dick."  
  
The guy's eyes narrowed slightly but he said nothing. Jim decided to take it as a sign to go on. "It wasn't my intention to make fun of your…thing for me."  
  
"Indeed?" the guy said, almost without inflection.  
  
Jim nodded. "Yeah. I just wanted to tell you that I'm totally cool with it, really. It's not like you can help it."  
  
The Creep just stared at him for a few moments.  
  
Finally, a brow was lifted. "Am I correct in understanding that you are graciously allowing me 'to have a thing' for you, as you put it?"  
  
Inwardly, Jim grimaced. In his head it hadn't sounded nearly as arrogant as aloud. He smiled, trying to turn it into a joke. "Hey, everyone has crushes, and yours is totally understandable. I mean, look at me."  
  
The dark eyes looked at him: his face, then down his body, lingering on his narrow hips before returning to his eyes. "I am looking at you. All I see is a highly aesthetically pleasing and vain individual."  
  
Jim's jaw clenched. "Then it doesn't say good things about your taste, does it? And you know nothing about me, buddy, so fuck off." He shoved the guy away—or tried to, because the Creep held him in place, demonstrating unexpected strength.  
  
"I know enough, and I despise the likes of you." He shoved him harder against the wall, pushing his body flush against Jim's. Oh.  _Oh_.  
  
Something akin to laughter bubbled in Jim's throat, but nothing came out. "'The likes of me'? What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"I have observed you," the Creep said quietly, his left hand moving up Jim's arm to his neck. It wrapped around it loosely. Those freakishly intense eyes seemed to pierce through him, see into his very soul. Jim shivered. He wanted to, but couldn't break eye contact; it was like he was fucking hypnotized. "You care very little about your numerous admirers and their feelings but at the same time you thrive on their attention. I believe the term is—"  
  
"Attention whore?" Jim suggested very, very softly. "Or maybe a cock tease?" Before the guy could reply, Jim leaned toward his pale ear and whispered, "You know what I think? I think you're so grumpy and pissy because your hand and your dick are sore from jerking off over me."  
  
The guy inhaled sharply. Jim smiled and licked his earlobe slightly, felt him shiver. "Truth hurts, huh? I'm usually much nicer—just ask anyone. I just hate when people judge without knowing shit about me. So if you're done not-so-subtly groping me under the pretense of pushing me around, I'm kindly asking you to _let me go_. Now."  
  
The Creep jerked away as if burned. "I assure you I was doing no such thing," he said tersely, clasping his hands behind his back.  
  
Jim chuckled. "Yeah, sure. It's a classic—" He barely stopped himself from saying 'fandom trope'. "—stereotypical behavior. So cliché it's not even amusing."  
  
"I do not understand."  
  
Jim smiled. "Oh you do." He eyed the Creep's infuriatingly blank face. "You know what? I'm in a good mood today, so you're in luck."  
  
He registered the guy's eyes widening before he leaned in and kissed him lightly. It wasn't a real kiss; just a touch of lips, just him being a tease—the one the Creep accused him of being.  
  
Jim pulled away, wiping his lips exaggeratingly, and grinned. "Now that I've done the good deed of the day, I'm off to cock tease the poor, unsuspecting innocents—" He grunted as he was pushed hard against the wall—again—and hard lips crushed his.  
  
"Mphm—" Jim tried to push the guy away, but he had no leverage, his arms pinned behind his back and the hard, surprisingly heavy body pressing him to the wall. The position was uncomfortable as hell. He was trapped. Helpless.  
  
Someone moaned, and Jim belatedly realized it was him.  
  
It was him.  
  
 _Shit, not now. Push him away, dammit._  
  
But it was useless to fight it: the intoxicating feeling of being held down—forced—sent the dizzying surge of arousal through his body, and Jim found himself parting his lips and letting the hot, aggressive tongue in. He didn't kiss back. Not because he didn't want to—because he got off on not kissing back.  
  
God, it was sick—he was sick—but something about being so powerless turned him on like nothing else could. Thankfully, there had been very few guys who had managed to trigger this weird kink of his, because, truth be told, this thing embarrassed and confused the hell out of him. He shouldn't be into that kind of thing. He  _wasn_ ' _t_ into that kind of thing.  
  
His body didn't seem to agree, though, and went disgustingly pliant in the Creep's arms. When it did, the guy made a quiet guttural noise, his kisses growing deeper and wetter, and shoved his body harder against Jim, making Jim gasp at the feel of the hard cock pressing into his stomach. His own cock was equally hard, and god, he wanted to fuck. Badly.  
  
Jim certainly didn't whine in disappointment when the guy suddenly pulled away.  
  
His head spinning and foggy with arousal, he could only stare uncomprehendingly as the Creep clasped his hands behind his back again. His trousers were bulging obscenely, but otherwise he looked completely composed.  
  
Jim couldn't say the same thing about himself.  
  
"Look at yourself, James Kirk," the Creep said, dark eyes roaming up and down Jim's body, lingering on his crotch and swollen lips. "It is not as amusing on the receiving end, is it?" And with that, he turned around and walked away.  
  
Still breathing raggedly, Jim could only stare at his retreating back.  
  
When the Creep was about to round the corner, he came to a halt for a moment, his back to Jim. "My name is Spock, in case you were wondering."

 

 

 

  
~*~

 

  
**HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Are you serious? He said his name was Spock? He must've been kidding!  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Nope. I did some digging. His name really is Spock. Spock Grayson. As in, a son of Governor Grayson, Bones.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : No shit? Damn, didn't you say the dude was a loser of sorts? I thought rich, spoiled brats were supposed to be the shit, surrounded by fake friends and fake breasts?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I'm just as confused as you are. Looking at him, I would’ve never guessed he's the only son of the fucking Governor of New York. Though I guess it explains why he sounds like a snob when he talks.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : But it doesn't explain why his name is Spock. Unless Governor Grayson is a closeted Star Trek fan, which is, er, not very likely. To put it lightly.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : MTE.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Hmm, something's bugging you. Spill, Jimbo.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Nothing's bugging me.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Jim.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Bones.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Spill.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : It's just…That guy—Spock—he's one of those.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Huh?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : One of  _those_ guys, Bones.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Ah. You mean, he's of the type of guys who turn you into a hormonal mess?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah. It's been over a year since the last time. I thought I was over it.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Goddammit, Jim. For such an open-minded guy, sometimes you can be so stupidly old-fashioned when it comes to that. So you have a few odd kinks, so what? It doesn't make you a lesser man. Everyone has kinks. What you like in sex doesn't define you, dammit!  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I know that, Bones.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : maybe rationally you do, but you just don't  _get_ it. I mean, you wrote a Sheppard/Todd fic. Does it mean you're into being fucked by a human/bug hybrid? Nope, it doesn't. It's the idea of something forbidden, something wrong, that turns you on. It's the same thing here: you aren't into being raped or anything; you just like the  _idea_ of being forced, which is a completely different thing from the real thing. So chill. You aren't sick, Jim. Don't let those stupid macho stereotypes get to you. As far as kinks go, there are much worse ones, believe me.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : How would you know?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : I'm a doctor, Jim! We know these things. Didn't I tell you about Sara, my patient with broken ribs? The one that got hurt while having sex with Justin last week?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Huh? What's so kinky about it? Are they into BDSM or something?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Justin is her favorite horse.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Ah.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : You're right. It could have been worse.

 

 

 

 

 

~*~

 

  
  
There were almost 7.5 million people in the city. The odds of encountering a single person one didn't want to encounter should have been pretty damn slim. Theoretically it should have been very, very unlikely to run across Spock on the train of all places.  
  
Jim was convinced the universe hated him. Well, he hated it back.  
  
He also hated the way his pulse sped up when their eyes met.  
  
Spock said nothing, just looked at him with an inscrutable expression.  
  
Jim pondered a strategic retreat, but he was squeezed between the window, Spock, an elderly grandma, and a teenage girl wearing too much makeup on her face. The crowd was pressing in from all sides, denser even than the usual Monday morning density.  
  
Crossing his arms—not at all defensively or anything—Jim cocked his head. "Why do you even use the train? Why don't you have a personal driver or something?"  
  
Spock's eyes narrowed slightly, his lips forming a thin line. To his credit, he didn't ask how Jim knew of his father, or why Jim had looked him up at all. Instead, he said quietly, "That is none of your concern."  
  
Jim raised his eyebrows, trying to ignore the strange fluttering feeling in his gut. It resembled anxiousness but not quite. "Maybe I want to make it my concern."  
  
"It still would be none of your concern," Spock said, moving closer to Jim to make room for the fresh crowd of passengers. The train jolted into motion and their bodies were shoved together, faces so close that Jim could feel Spock's warm breath on his lips.  
  
A beat passed, then another.  
  
Jim took a careful, measured breath in. Felt Spock also breathe in, his eyes fixed on Jim's lips.  
  
Fuck.  
  
Jim glanced sideways at the grandma, before hissing out quietly, "Stop staring at my mouth."  
  
Spock's eyes flickered back to his eyes before returning to Jim's lips. "I apologize," he said flatly. However, he didn't sound sorry at all and didn't take his eyes off Jim's lips. "I must admit I find my preoccupation with your physical assets rather…disturbing, as well. It is illogical to fixate on something as irrelevant as physical appearance."  
  
Jim couldn't help but let out a soft laugh. "Look, would you stop channeling Spock? Spock, as in, from Star Trek. It's fucking weird."  
  
"If you are referring to the way I speak, I will not apologize for not speaking like an uneducated brute."  
  
"Ah," Jim said with a little eye roll. "So you're a snob."  
  
"I am not," Spock said, but the way his gaze turned a bit shifty told Jim a lot.  
  
It confused the crap out of him, though. Rich, spoiled sons of state governors weren't supposed to be such…nobodies. As Bones had said, they were supposed to be surrounded by adoring crowds of pseudo-friends and curvy cheerleaders. They weren't supposed to be losers with no friends at all.  
  
"You're so weird," Jim said before realizing what he'd said. His face grew hot. He scowled. Great—Spock's social awkwardness was contagious.  
  
Spock stared at him. And Jesus, what was up with those eyes? They were fucking insane: dark and fathomless, impossible to look away from.  
  
"Perhaps," he said quietly, their gazes still locked, and suddenly Jim became hyperaware of every inch of Spock that was pressed against him. His heartbeat picked up, mouth dry and tingling. He wanted to kiss—wanted to be kissed.  
  
Kissed hard.  
  
Jim wet his lips.  
  
Spock's eyes flickered down to them, before looking back into his eyes.  
  
Somehow, the remaining distance between their faces shrunk.  
  
Jim let out a tiny, embarrassing sound as his lips were forced apart and that hot tongue was inside him. Grabbing Spock's head, he sucked on his tongue, pulling it deeper inside; Spock grunted and shoved their bodies even closer, tighter—so fucking good.  
  
Distantly, Jim could hear the grandma gasping and saying something about "disgusting" and "stop that right now!" but he couldn't give a crap. Couldn't stop. God. God. He was so turned on that he started wondering whether other passengers would mind terribly if they started dry humping each other right here and right now.  
  
They probably would.  
  
Jim grunted in pain as something hard hit his head.  
  
"'The hell?" he croaked, tearing his mouth away—which proved incredibly difficult, even with his throbbing head. He glared at the grandma, who was clutching her bag to her chest. "Hey, did you just hit me with that bag?"  
  
The grandma glared back, her face red and lips pursed. She raised her bag again and Jim quickly stepped behind Spock.  
  
"Unbelievable!" she cried out. "If you want to engage in such…obscenities, do it where decent folk don't have to witness it!"  
  
Jim clenched his jaw to keep himself from saying something very rude. He'd bet if one of them were a girl, the woman wouldn't be nearly as offended.  
  
"Please forgive us," Spock said suddenly, his voice soft and almost friendly. "My boyfriend and I simply got carried away." Ignoring Jim's gaping, he took his hand and entwined their fingers.  
  
The grandma's face went purple. She spluttered, staring at their entwined fingers, but said nothing and turned away stiffly.  
  
Jim bit his lip to keep himself from laughing. All right, Spock was an evil genius.  
  
He looked at Spock and found him already looking at him. Correction: looking at his twitching lips. But it wasn't the heavy-lidded, lust-filled look from a few minutes before; it was something else entirely. Spock looked…almost fascinated.  
  
Realizing that their fingers were still entwined, Jim pulled his hand away, his face warm.  
  
Suddenly uncomfortable, he looked away only to meet the eyes of the teenage girl, who was watching them avidly. "Oh my god, you two are so hot and adorable together!" she babbled, practically bouncing in excitement. "You kinda remind me of Harry/Draco. Like, a blond and a brunet! It's so hot!"  
  
Jim blinked, more than a little creeped out. To say it was surrealistic as hell to have his fandom and real lives colliding would be an understatement. Besides Bones, he had never talked about fandom with anyone in real life. He didn't even want to think what Spock thought of the girl's words; though he probably didn't even understand what she was talking about, and thank god.  
  
Sincerely hoping he didn't know that girl in fandom—that would be beyond weird—Jim gave her a pained smile. Luckily for him, at the moment, the train came to a halt, and Jim pushed his way to the exit, not giving a damn that it wasn't his station yet.  
  
He didn't look back at Spock.

 

 

 

 

 

~*~

 

 

 

 

 

Hi, ⌂ **captain_fine** ,  
⌂ **kaildth** sent you a message on Livejournal: (no subject).  
The message was:

  
  
_Hello,  
Thank you for your kind words, but they are unnecessary as ⌂ **nero001**  has never been my close friend. It is true that Nero and I used to associate in the past, and while I cannot say that his attacks towards me do not bother me at all, I can understand why he behaves in such a way. Nevertheless, thank you for your concern. I am…touched. Truly.  
  
I would not say that I am sorry about your friend, since it would be highly illogical, as I could not have prevented it. Therefore, I only wish to thank you for sharing such a personal and, no doubt, unpleasant memory with me. Your message truly brightened my otherwise rather confusing day.  
  
\- Kaildth_  
  
  
Jim was glad there was no one else in the room and no one had heard the embarrassing sound he made.  
  
Grinning like mad, he sent a reply.  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _Hi there!  
It's always good to know that you brightened someone's day. :D I'm happy you're ok, but can I ask you something? Why did you fall out with Nero? If I'm being too nosy, feel free to tell me to fuck off._  
  
  
Jim probably would have never had the guts to send the message if he wasn't so worked up over that…thing with Spock. He already had enough confusing shit on his mind—he didn't want to over-think this, too.  
  
A Google Talk popped up on his screen, notifying him that he had a new message from ⌂ **kaildth** , and all thoughts of Spock vanished out of Jim's mind. He hadn't really been expecting Kaildth to reply, much less so soon.

 

 

 

  
Hi, ⌂ **captain_fine** ,

⌂ **kaildth** sent you a message on Livejournal: (no subject).  
The message was:

  
_You are indeed being nosy, but I suppose there would be no harm in telling you. Nero and I had a…misunderstanding of sorts. He assumed that our relationship was more than it really was._  
  
  
Jim's eyes widened. He opened his LJ inbox and typed a response, unwilling to miss the opportunity while Kaildth was so uncharacteristically talkative. Hell only knew why Kaildth was so talkative—usually he was very reserved about sharing anything personal.  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _You met him in RL? Wait, he really is a "he"? Oh. Does this mean you turned him down because he was a "he," as opposed to a "she"?_  
  
  
Subtle, Kirk. Very subtle.  
  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _He is male, just like he claims, and I have indeed met him in real life, which I regret. Regarding your other question, no, I did not reject him because of his gender._  
  
At that, Jim jumped off the bed and did a little celebratory dance before returning to his laptop.  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _I know I'm probably being a nosy creep right now, but can I ask why you turned him down?_  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _I would have liked to say that it was his personality that was revolting, but it would not be true. It probably makes me a very shallow-minded individual, but the truth is, his physical appearance simply was not to my tastes._  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _So he's fugly, huh? And don't worry, I don't think less of you only because you're saying the truth. All this bullshit about personality being more important than looks is just that—bullshit. In the end, we guys are as shallow as women make us out to be when it comes to sex, right? :D We fall for looks first, then for everything else._  
  
  
 _Well, not always_ , Jim thought even as he typed it. He had no clue how Kaildth looked.  
  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _I wish to disagree with you, as it is a gross generalization, but find that I cannot_.  
  
Jim frowned. Huh.  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _You sound like you're speaking of something in particular rather than in general. About someone in particular maybe?_  
  
Twenty-seven seconds passed before Kaildth replied. Jim had counted.  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _No_.  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _Your "no" sounds a lot like a "yes."_  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _I do not know how it is possible for my "no" to sound like anything, as it is a written word._  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _Oh, come on, don't be a bore. You know what I mean._  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _I do not even know why I am speaking of this to you. I do not know you, and I am not in the habit of speaking of my personal matters to strangers._  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _Isn't it the best thing about the Internet? That you can tell absolute strangers things you don't have the guts to tell your RL best friends? And I've been told I'm a great person to speak of personal matters with. I won't tell a soul, swear._  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _Forgive me for not believing you._  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _Well, I wouldn't if I were you, either, especially after that ugly wank back in July._  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _I cannot help but notice that you appear to be well-informed of my Fandom life._  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _Damn, you caught me. :D I'm kind of a big fan of yours. A completely not creepy, not-stalkerish fan._  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _I see._  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _Great, I freaked you out. OK, if you don't want to talk to a stranger, let's stop being strangers. What's you name? It doesn't have to be your real name; just give me a name._  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _Very well. You can refer to me as Zach. What is yours?_  
  
  
Jim bit his lower lip, hesitating. He might be in love with the guy, but he wasn't comfortable with giving him his real name. Bones was the only person in fandom who knew his real name and he only knew because they had been friends for years.  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _Nice to meet you, Zach! :) You can call me Chris. So… is there someone?_  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _Again, I am at a loss as to how I ended up having this conversation._  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _I've been told I have that effect on people. So, you were saying?_  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _There is no "someone." I simply agreed with you that sometimes we indeed let our baser impulses rule our actions._  
  
  
Jim licked his lips, still swollen and oversensitive, and tried really hard not to think of Spock.  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _In other words, you let your dick do the thinking, too. And here I thought you were above that kind of thing._  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _Why would I be above it? I am only a man._  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _Heh, I don't know. I guess I just thought… You always sound so controlled and cool-headed that I guess I subconsciously started equating you and Spock the character. Hey, it's your own fault: you always write from his POV and talk kind of like him._  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _I was not aware that using no contractions and slang equals to talking like Spock. And I think I have mentioned before why I prefer using proper English._  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _Yeah, I remember: you prefer sticking to formal English because it helps you get Spock's voice right. If you were an actor, you'd probably be into method, huh? Maybe I should try it out, too._  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _Perhaps you should._  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _Hey, are you making fun of me? You are, aren't you? Damn, it's hard to tell. Using a smiley or two wouldn't kill you. Just sayin'._  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _I shall consider it. Chris, do you mind if we continue our conversation tomorrow? I have an urgent matter I have to attend._  
  
To:  **kaildth**  
From:  **captain_fine**  
 _Sure. What about this time tomorrow?_  
  
To:  **captain_fine**  
From:  **kaildth**  
 _Very well. You can email me at[kaildth@gmail.com.](http://ff/)_  
  
  
  
  
Jim went to sleep grinning that night, all his thoughts on Kaildth and the beautiful, beautiful fic they were going to produce together.  
  
But he didn't dream of Kaildth.  
  
He dreamed of someone else entirely.  
  
When he woke up, he just lay there, panting and so fucking hard that he ached with it. He could almost feel hands on his throat and see dark eyes piercing him as he was fucked hard.  
  
 _Crap_.

 

 

 

 

~*~

  
  
He probably shouldn't have been as surprised as he was when he entered the classroom and found Spock there. That thing about the universe hating him? Unfortunately, not an exaggeration.  
  
The classroom was completely empty save for them. No surprise there, with twenty minutes to go until the start of the next class. Normally, Jim would be in another class, but he'd overslept and had the genius idea to skip it altogether.  
  
He kind of wanted to kick himself right now.  
  
Spock didn't look up, focused on the iPhone in his hand. He either hadn't heard anyone enter or didn't give a damn about things like social niceties. Considering who it was, probably the latter.  
  
"Hey," Jim said, dropping his stuff on his usual seat. He’d somehow managed to sound casual and relaxed. He felt pretty proud of himself.  
  
Spock's shoulders stiffened before he turned his head. He said nothing. Just looked. Creep.  
  
"You know, normal people usually say 'Hey,' 'Hi,' or 'Hello.'"  
  
"I see no logic in exchanging such meaningless pleasantries," Spock said in such a dismissive tone that Jim acquired a strong urge to strangle him. Or do something else entirely.  
  
Snorting, Jim flopped down in his seat. "And why am I not surprised?"  
  
There was no response for a while before Spock said a quiet, "Come here."  
  
Jim pulled out his phone. Flipped it open. Stared at it. Flipped it shut. "Thanks, but I'm good here."  
  
"It wasn't a request."  
  
Jim stilled, goosebumps running down his spine.  
  
He told himself he didn't need this. He didn't need this fucked up, unnatural attraction to this weirdo. Especially not now, when he was finally getting somewhere with a guy he admired and wanted for ages. He wanted Kaildth—the amazing writer and the intelligent cool guy—not this sickening want buzzing under his skin, the urge to _please_ , to do as he was told.  
  
He wasn't into that. He wouldn't be. He was stronger than that, damn it.  
  
"You're forgetting yourself, buddy," Jim said with a chuckle. Too bad it sounded fake. His tongue felt thick and awkward, his heartbeat almost deafening, palms clammy. Shit, he'd never been this nervous over a guy, not even Kaildth.  
  
"You will come here." So infuriatingly calm. So sure of himself.  
  
Jim hated him.  
  
Jim went.  
  
He stopped before Spock and glared down at him.  
  
Spock eyed him calmly. "You are angry," he observed.  
  
"No shit, Sherlock." Jim took a deep breath in. "Look, what the hell do you want from me? I got it—you don't like me, you think I'm a cock tease, a dick, and hell, maybe I am. Just leave me the fuck alone, okay? It can't be hard if you despise me so much."  
  
Spock's blank expression shifted subtly, though Jim still couldn't read him.  
  
A black eyebrow lifted. "You can always choose to ignore me," Spock said quietly, his voice almost coaxing, as if Jim was some wild animal that needed taming. He reached out and, taking Jim by the wrist, tugged him down.  
  
Jim nearly toppled over and ended up half-sprawled over Spock. "What the—let me go."  
  
"I will," Spock said, grabbing his chin and yanking him closer to bite on his bottom lip. Jim refused to admit that he was the one who let out that whiny noise. "But first, I require a kiss from you. Open your mouth for me, Jim."  
  
"Fuck off," Jim grumbled before parting his lips for Spock’s tongue.  
  
Some time later, Spock finally stopped abusing his mouth to let them both get much needed oxygen. Jim's lips were incredibly swollen from the kisses. He licked them, and those dark, almost feverish eyes followed the movement.  
  
Spock put a hand on Jim's neck and traced Jim's lower lip with his thumb. "It is odd how much I desire you," he said, looking almost frustrated. "You are very pleasing to the eye, but many individuals are. I cannot rationalize it."  
  
The words made something pleasant and warm coil in his gut. Ignoring it, Jim smirked. "Too bad. Sorry, but I'm kinda taken."  
  
Spock's expression didn't change, but the grip on Jim's neck flexed a bit. "Are you?"  
  
Jim smiled. "Jealous?"  
  
God, it was fucked up, but part of him loved the idea. He wanted Spock to be jealous, to be crazy about him, even though Kaildth was the only guy he wanted a relationship with. Maybe he really was an attention whore and a cock tease.  
  
Spock's expression didn't change. "I should be?"  
  
Jim nodded. "I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him."  
  
To his disappointment, Spock didn't look heartbroken; he just raised an eyebrow. "Indeed? Then what are you doing in my lap?"  
  
That was the thing Jim was trying not to think about.  
  
"You forced me," he tried, rather lamely.  
  
A second eyebrow joined the first one. "I very much doubt I could truly force you to do anything. Physically, we are evenly matched. So I pity that individual you claim to love."  
  
Jim glowered. "I don't 'claim' to love him. I love him. He's the reason I don't 'care about my numerous admirers' feelings, as you put it. I want only him."  
  
Spock's face went still. Something flashed in his eyes. "Indeed?"  
  
"Yes," Jim said. Spock leaned down and bit his neck, hard. "What the—don't! People will see."  
  
Ignoring him, Spock bit him again and sucked the skin into his mouth, giving him another hickey.  
  
"Fucking Neanderthal," Jim whispered, eyes closing, and buried his hand in Spock's thick hair. It felt…nice against his fingers. He hoped Kaildth's hair was as nice.  
  
"Stop thinking of him," Spock hissed, biting him on neck brutally before pulling him in for another kiss.  
  
Jim stopped thinking of Kaildth. In fact, he stopped thinking at all.  
  
The next few minutes were a frenzied blur and Jim found himself sprawled on Spock's lap, head on the desk behind him, shirt unbuttoned almost to his navel as Spock's hands roamed all over his chest and hot lips covered him in kisses. He was panting heavily, his dick painfully hard and balls aching. He wanted to come. Wanted sex. Wanted Spock.  
  
 _Fuck me,_  was on the tip of his tongue, but he didn't ask—couldn't. Wouldn't.  
  
Spock flicked his tongue over his nipple and Jim bit his lip, hands fisted in Spock's shirt. "Shit. Please—I—Spock—"  
  
"What the…?"  
  
Jim's eyes flew open at the sound of a familiar voice, and he found himself staring at Gary's flabbergasted face.  
  
Jim nearly fell to the floor in his haste to get off Spock's lap. "Look, Gary, it's not what you think," he said quickly, buttoning up his shirt with trembling fingers. He knew he was overreacting. It wasn't that he was embarrassed being caught with Spock or something; it was just a knee-jerk reaction. Very few people knew about him being gay, and Jim would like it to stay like that. His sexual orientation wasn't anyone's business, and while Gary knew about him being gay, Jim didn't want other people to see them.  
  
Jim caught Spock's eyes accidentally and nearly swallowed his tongue at the look on his face: stony and hard, eyes void of any feeling.  
  
"Indeed. It really isn't," Spock said, getting up and straightening his clothes before leaving the classroom without another glance at Jim.  
  
"What the fuck, man?" Gary said, following Spock with his gaze, just like Jim. "You and the Creep? Since when?"  
  
Jim dropped himself in Spock's chair and sighed. "Later, okay? I don't wanna talk about it."  
  
"But you and the Creep--"  
  
"Stop calling him that," Jim found himself snapping. He flushed when Gary stared at him incredulously. "It's just—he has a name, okay? Spock."  
  
Gary's eyes widened before he started laughing. "Spock? Are you kidding me? Like Doctor Spock from Star Trek?"  
  
Jim cringed. It was beyond him why people kept attaching the rank of Doctor to Spock. "Yeah, a freaky coincidence, isn't it?"  
  
Gary snorted. "It's fucking hilarious, what it is. That Captain Kirk and Doctor Spock were totally banging each other."  
  
Jim's jaw almost hit the floor.  
  
That was the last thing he had expected to hear from Gary. While not exactly homophobic, Gary had always been kind of uncomfortable about the fact that Jim was into guys, and steered away from any 'gay talk.' "Sorry, what?"  
  
Gary snorted again. "I caught a Star Trek re-run this summer while I was at Kristy's. Man, those special effects are downright hilarious, by the way. So, that episode was about something called Pun Fur, and Kirk and Spock totally dry humped each other in front of Spock's grandma. Talk about kinky."  
  
Jim had to bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from laughing. "Really? Good thing I never watched that retarded show. Star Trek is for losers—"  
  
"Like your Creep," Gary finished, cackling. "I mean, you heard the guy talk, right? Who the fuck talks like that? Like a fucking robot."  
  
Jim opened his mouth but nothing came out because he saw Spock standing in the doorway.  
  
"I forgot my bag," Spock said evenly, not quite looking at either of them.   
  
Jim did, feeling uneasy all of a sudden. Like he'd done something bad, something he needed to apologize for.  
  
He tried to catch Spock's eyes, but Spock wouldn't look at him.

 

 

 

~*~

 

  
  
**Captain_Fine** : Bones, I think I'm messed-up in the head.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : That is the smartest thing you've ever said.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Okay, what happened, Jim?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Whatever. Doesn't matter.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : No-no, you don't get to "whatever" me after saying stuff like that.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Alright, fine. Remember the guy I told you about? Spock?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : The creep with a crush on you? The one who pushes your kinks?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah. So I kinda let him kiss me a few times.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Kinda let him kiss you? I'm not sure how you could "kinda" let him kiss you. You either did or didn't—simple.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : It's not that simple, Bones.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : With you, nothing ever is. Okay, so you let him kiss you a few times, so what?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I loved it, Bones. Kinda a lot.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Ah, now I get the problem. Wait, I still don't. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but aren't people supposed to enjoy kissing?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Not when they're in love with someone else.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : And here I was wondering when you-know-who would come up in this conversation.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Voldemort?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Ha fucking ha. Stop being a smart ass.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : You started it.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Very mature, Jim. I thought you were twenty-one, not one.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : And I thought you were twenty-eight, not eighty-eight. You're worse than my grandpa, seriously.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Yeah, whatever. So what's exactly your problem, Jim? If you think you really love Kaildth—though it's a mystery to me how it's possible to love someone you never met—go for it. He finally knows of your existence, so your chances of a successful relationship with him are up from 0 to 0.1%. What's the problem?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I want him, Bones. Can't stop thinking of him.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Goddammit, I know. And I'm sick as hell of listening about Kaildth the Perfect.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Not Kaildth. Spock.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Ah.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Well.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Your life is ridiculous.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Yeah, it sucks to be Jim. Oh woe is you. *sad violin music*  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : LOL Fuck you, you fucker.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : I'm in awe of your vocabulary.

 

 

 

  
~*~

 

  
  
To: [kaildth@gmail.com](http://f/)  
From: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://0.0.0.2/)  
Have you ever been unsure of what you want?  
  
  
To: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://0.0.0.3/)  
From: [kaildth@gmail.com](http://0.0.0.2/)  
No, I have not.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Hey, you have Google Talk, too! Hi there, Zach. :) And what do you mean by 'no'? Everyone has their little moments of doubt.  
  
 **Kaildth** : I know what I want. The wisdom of getting it is another matter entirely.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Hmm. So have you ever badly wanted something you really, really shouldn't? Something you shouldn't want and shouldn't get because getting it would ruin all your dreams?  
  
 **Kaildth** : I am not certain what you mean.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Okay, like…say, every day after work, I walk past a bakery shop, and there's a big, delicious looking cake put on the display window. I want it so much, but I can't afford it, so I start saving money, bit by bit. And finally, after a few months of missing lunches, I enter the shop to buy it, but my eyes accidentally land on a small chocolate cake. It looks like nothing special, but for some reason, I just can't stop staring and drooling over it. I feel like I'd die if I don't taste it, you know? But if I buy it, I won't be able to buy the cake I've been wanting for ages. See the problem?  
  
 **Kaildth** : I would not recommend buying the big cake. After a few months on the display shelf, it cannot possibly be edible.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : You're the second funniest guy I've ever known.  
  
 **Kaildth** : Only the second?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah, sorry to disappoint. So what's the advice on the hypothetical cake situation?  
  
 **Kaildth** : I find that situation quite illogical. What prevents you from buying the chocolate cake, saving more money and buying the big one? The big cake was there for months; there is a high chance that it would still be there in a few weeks.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : But don't you think it's dickish to buy a small cake just to ditch it for the big one? And I'd feel like I have no loyalty to the big cake.  
  
 **Kaildth** : I gather the cake situation is not as hypothetical as you made it sound.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Well…no.  
  
 **Kaildth** : I cannot give you proper advice if I do not know all the facts.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I really wish I could tell you, but I really shouldn't. Believe me, you wouldn't find it funny. Hell, I don't find it funny. And neither of the cakes would.  
  
 **Kaildth** : You are a very strange person, Chris.  
  
 **Kaildth** : But I think I like you.  
  
 **Kaildth** : Chris?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Sorry, I, um, fell out of my bed.  
  
 **Kaildth** : I never thought such a thing was possible.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Neither did I.

 

 

 

* * *

Part III

 

 

  
"Dude, I don't know what's going on between you two, but stop staring at him all the time," Gary said, elbowing him. "It's getting obvious. And embarrassing."  
  
Jim quickly averted his gaze. "Nothing is going on."  
  
It was true. It’d been a week since Gary caught them making out, and Spock hadn't spared him even a glance ever since.  
  
He wasn't sure what he’d done wrong.  
  
Jim nearly groaned aloud at the thought. For crying out loud, what was wrong with him? He should have been ecstatic that all was finally going well: he and Kaildth had been growing closer, their conversations longer and more personal with each day. He was closer than ever to what he’d been wanting for ages. And yet here he was, thinking non-stop about that weirdo like a kicked, forgotten puppy, and whispering his name every time he jerked off.  
  
Jim didn't remember the last time he’d been so worked up over someone. And they hadn't even had sex, for fuck's sake.  
  
Maybe that was the problem.  
  
Jim frowned, mulling the thought over. It made sense, in a fucked-up sort of way. Fighting this gut-wrenching want was useless—he’d always been spectacularly bad at self-control. He had to get under Spock and then get him out of his system and his life.  
  
Jim ripped a piece of paper out of his notebook.

 

 

 

  
_I want to have sexual intercourse with you. Wanna fuck?_

  
Jim carefully folded the paper and tapped the shoulder of the girl sitting in front of him. She turned around and flashed him a smile. Jim smiled back. "Hey, Donna, could you give this to Spock?"  
  
She frowned. "Spock?"  
  
Jim pointed at Spock. "The guy over there. With the cheekbones and eyes."  
  
She gave him a strange look but took the note. "Sure."  
  
Jim watched her give it to another girl, pointing at Spock and saying, "From Jim Kirk."  
  
He watched as the note was handed from one student to another until at last it reached Spock. He saw Spock stiffen when he was told it was from Jim. Spock looked at the folded paper for a few moments, his expression guarded, before finally unfolding it.  
  
He saw Spock freeze, his shoulders tensing up. Spock didn't turn his head to look at him, though.  
  
The rest of the class seemed to last forever.  
  
Finally, the bell rang.  
  
"You guys go ahead," Jim heard himself telling Gary and Rick. They nodded, though Gary gave Jim a speculative look before leaving with the others.  
  
Jim remained in his seat, waiting for the classroom to empty. Though he didn't look at Spock, he heard him get up and head over to him. Slowly, Jim rose to his feet, as well.  
  
Spock stopped only when their faces were inches away from each other. But it felt more like an intimidation tactic rather than anything else: Spock's jaw was clenched tightly, his eyes steely. "What is the meaning of this? Is this a joke?"  
  
"No." Jim's heart raced. He licked his lips. "I want you. Wanna sleep with you."  
  
He looked at Spock hopefully.  
  
Spock didn't seem impressed, though.  
  
Jim frowned, honestly having no idea what to do. He had never had to work hard to get laid. "Um, aren't you going to say anything? It's what you wanted, right?"  
  
Spock eyed him for what felt like ages. Jim forced himself not to look at his lips. It was difficult.  
  
"I do not understand you. A week ago, you wanted me to leave you alone, now you want the opposite."  
  
Jim smiled ruefully. He didn't really understand himself either. He shrugged. "I guess I'm just spectacularly bad at denying myself things."  
  
"I will have to decline, as I have no desire to engage in sexual relations with someone who is ashamed to be seen with me." Spock sounded like he was talking about the weather, but his tone was at odds with the intense emotion lurking in his eyes.  
  
Jim sighed. "That's why you've been ignoring me, then. Look, it's not what you think. I'm not ashamed to be seen with you or anything."  
  
Spock gave him a skeptical eyebrow.  
  
"I'm really not. I just wasn't particularly comfortable with anyone seeing me with my legs hooked around you." Jim brushed his hair. "The thing is, I'm not exactly out of closet, though I'm not really in, either. Quite a few people here know I'm into guys, but no one’s actually seen me with one. Knowing and seeing are completely different things, you know? I don't want to be defined by my sexuality, so I try not to shove it into other people's faces." He met Spock's eyes. "I'm fucking scared, okay? I've never claimed to be an 'out and proud' kind of guy."  
  
Spock nodded slowly, looking at him with a thoughtful expression. "I see."  
  
"Is that a yes?" Jim said and, unable to stop himself, pressed his lips against Spock's, feeling needy, and desperate, and hating it.  
  
Spock turned his face away, not letting Jim kiss him. "What about that individual you claimed to love?"  
  
"You said you weren't jealous." Jim tried to kiss him again, but the little fucker didn't let him.  
  
"And I am not. You are nothing to me. I simply do not like being the second choice."  
  
Jim made a frustrated noise. "Come on, why does it matter? Don't be such a girl, Spock. It's just sex. I want you, you want me. It's simple." He put a hand on Spock's chest.  
  
Spock glanced at it. His face was blank, but his heart was beating rapidly under Jim's palm. "The answer is still negative." He put a hand over Jim's and, removing it from his chest, started turning away.  
  
"You know what I think? I think you're a coward."  
  
Spock stiffened before looking back at him. "Pardon?"  
  
Jim's lips twisted. "You're scared, aren't you? Scared of getting attached."  
  
"You are ridiculous."  
  
Jim smirked. "Hit a bit too close to home?"  
  
He grunted when Spock grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. "Do not assume you know me," he said into Jim's face, their mouths inches away. "You do not. You only see what you wish to see."  
  
Jim wet his tingling lips, pressed his hips against Spock's, felt his arousal. "I see a guy whose cock I wanna suck."  
  
Spock inhaled sharply, and then, finally, he was kissing him, all tongue and teeth, Spock's solid, warm body pressing against him, hard cock nudging his own through the layers of fabric, and fuck, Jim couldn't stand it anymore.  
  
He tore his lips away. "Where do you live?"

 

 

 

 

~*~

 

  
Spock lived too far, and they had to take a taxi.  
  
The driver made some noise when Jim latched onto Spock's mouth the second they got inside, but when Spock threw a couple of bills at him, he shut up.  
  
By the time the taxi stopped, Jim's shirt was halfway off and Spock's was unbuttoned to his navel, showing coarse black hair that Jim instantly wanted to bury his face against. They stumbled into Spock's apartment, mouths still locked together.  
  
"Bedroom," Spock said, pushing him…somewhere. Jim didn't care where as long as Spock kept kissing him like that. They stumbled to the bed and fell, Spock's hard body pinning him to the mattress, their naked chests touching. Shit, so much skin, but still not nearly enough.  
  
With joint effort and much fumbling, they got the rest of their clothes off and latched onto each other's mouths again, hands stroking and groping, kisses frenzied and needy, until Jim felt like he'd die from overstimulation.  
  
"Fuck, enough," he said, squeezing Spock's leaking cock trapped between their bodies. It was velvety, hard, and perfect in his hand. Jim wanted it in him. "Let's fuck. Fuck me, come on. Let's fuck."  
  
"Not yet," Spock said.  
  
"Huh?" Jim said, blinking dazedly.  
  
Spock rolled onto his back, settling against the pillows. He parted his knees and nodded towards his hard, swollen cock. "You may proceed."  
  
Jim stared at him incredulously. "Are you kidding me? I'll blow you later. I'm fucking dying here."  
  
Spock just looked at him. Then he raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Fucker," Jim grumbled, crawling between his thighs. Leaning down, he swiped his tongue over the cockhead, closing his eyes at the familiar taste of aroused male. Normally sucking dick was one of his favorite activities, but at the moment he was too turned on to truly want it. He wanted to fuck, damn it, not this.  
  
"Suck," Spock instructed, carding a hand through Jim's hair and pushing him down. Jim glared at him, but the clear order in his voice sent a surge of sickening excitement and dark arousal to his head, his dick, and his balls. With another sulky look, he did as told. Spock's cock stretched his lips wide, and Jim hummed appreciatively around it before settling into the familiar rhythm.  
  
But just as he was really getting into it, Spock pulled him off his cock and pushed his face down towards his tiny wrinkled hole. Jim scowled. "I'm not gonna do it. I wouldn't be any good at it. I've never done this before."  _Other guys do it to me, not the other way around._  
  
Spock studied him. "Such a spoiled creature. You will." His hand didn't apply any pressure to his head, but it seemed to weigh a ton nonetheless. Jim's breathing quickened and he suddenly felt lightheaded. As if in a dream, he found himself leaning in. Sloppily, he started licking Spock's asshole, pissed off for being denied what he wanted yet weirdly turned on at the same time. God, how sick was he that he was getting off on being forced to do things he didn't really want to do? He was one sick fuck.  
  
Spock's small noises of approval made his gut coil in pleasure, his entire body weirdly warming at the thought of getting this right, and Jim delved in deeper, trying to get his tongue inside—something that always drove him crazy when he was the one being rimmed. His neglected asshole clenched at the thought. God, he wanted to fuck. To have a cock in him.  
  
"Enough," Spock said, as if reading his thoughts, and reached to the nightstand for supplies.  
  
"Finally," Jim grumbled and got on all fours, wishing as hell life was a fanfic and Spock's cock was self-lubricating so that they could go straight to fucking. But it wasn't, so he had to wait a few endless, agonizing minutes while Spock put a condom on and prepared them both.  
  
"Come on, enough," he said when Spock slid a second finger in. He'd never been into fingering, always feeling like it was somehow inadequate, a pathetic imitation of the real thing. He wanted a cock. Wanted Spock's cock in him.  
  
Jim let out a low moan when the cockhead touched his asshole. "Come on, c'mon," he demanded, spreading his legs wider.  
  
But Spock didn't move.  
  
Jim forced his eyes open and looked over his shoulder at Spock. Glared at him. "What the fuck are you waiting for?"  
  
"Look at yourself," Spock said, voice slightly hoarse and eyes roaming all over his naked body, lingering on Jim's ass. "What would your beloved think of you if he saw you now? So eager, begging for my touch and penis?"  
  
Jim smirked dazedly. "Not jealous at all, huh?"  
  
Spock's jaw tightened. "No," he said and thrust in.  
  
Groaning, Jim dropped his head on the mattress and concentrated on breathing as Spock pushed into him in small jerky moves until his cock was buried to the hilt, warm and pulsing inside him.  
  
Closing his eyes, he let himself relax as Spock started fucking him with small grunts of pleasure. He didn't move with Spock, letting Spock do all the work, all his senses concentrated on the cock sliding in and out of him, filling, stretching him—god, so full. He'd never been so hard in his life. Something about being so passive, so pliant while he was thoroughly fucked was a huge turn on.  
  
"Ah fuck," he moaned when Spock changed the angle and started directly hitting his prostate. It was too much. "Spock, no—don't. Too sensitive there. Just fuck me. Love feeling your cock in me." Spock complied, sliding his cock out before pushing back at another angle. "Yeah, like that. God."  
  
"Do you intend to just lie here and let me do all the work?" Spock said into his ear, licking at it. His rhythm didn't falter, though.  
  
"Kinda. You mind?"  
  
"Not in particular, but you are proving the theory that the more attractive one is the more selfish one is in bed."  
  
Jim groaned when Spock thrust in  _just so_. "Thanks. It's always good to know that—ah—that my sexual partner thinks I'm pretty."  _Let him think I'm lazy and selfish in bed. It's better than the alternative._  
  
Spock pulled out and slammed back in. "I wished to do this since I first saw you," he said against his ear. His breathing was considerably elevated, voice more emotional than ever. "Wished to bury myself in you." Another hard thrust. "I usually…steer away from the…from the likes of you, but you—there is something about you. I couldn't stop looking—and wanting." Spock bit him on the shoulder to muffle a growl.  
  
God, he couldn't  _think_ when Spock fucked him like that. "C'mon, tell me more. Tell me how much you want me. Did you want me enough to do—to do something? Like, corner me somewhere and…" he trailed off, realized what he was saying.  
  
 _Fuck.Shitshitshit._  
  
Spock stopped moving, his whole body stiffening against him.  
  
Jim licked his lips, heart hammering in his chest. "Go ahead, tell me I'm sick."  
  
He was glad they weren't fucking face-to-face. He didn't want to see disgust in Spock's eyes.  
  
"Such sexual fantasies do not make you sick," Spock said quietly. His voice sounded pained and he paused, taking a deep breath. It might have something to do with the fact that his cock was still buried in Jim. "Thoughts and sexual fantasies are not material. Acting on them is another matter entirely. I might have fantasized about forcing you to suck my penis while everyone listened to Professor Higgins' lecture, but it does not mean that I would have ever acted on those fantasies. Therefore, it is illogical to call anyone 'sick' based on their fantasies or 'kinks,' as some would put it."  
  
Jim tried very hard not to fixate on the part about Spock forcing him to suck him off in class. "Really?" he said and cringed at the sound of his voice: too uncertain and vulnerable.  
  
"Indeed," Spock said, burying his face against Jim's shoulder blades. He was breathing erratically and his cock was still hard as a rock in Jim's ass—and that was what convinced Jim of Spock's honesty. Spock wouldn't have stayed hard if he were repulsed by him.  
  
"I have had a few fantasies of that nature as well," Spock said quietly, a hand stroking down Jim's back to cup his ass. He gripped it hard. "I used to watch your training sessions from the stands."  
  
"Yeah? You watched me?"  
  
"Yes," Spock said, licking the skin between his shoulder blades. His hips jerked slightly, as if out of their own volition. His grip on Jim's hip started to hurt, his voice becoming more strained with every word. "Your T-shirt would always cling to you after those sessions, becoming so transparent that I could see your nipples. You were always sweaty and flushed, and I could not stop looking at you, imagining what would it be like—" His voice cracked, and Spock's hips started moving again. "Sometimes I would imagine what would have happened if I followed you into the shower. You would not have heard me enter, as your back would be to me. I would have dropped to my knees behind you and forced my tongue inside you before you could even realize what was going on--"  
  
Jim groaned, imagining that. He pushed back on Spock's cock. "Don't stop. Fuck me, come on. Harder."  
  
Spock did, fucking into him with little care for Jim's pleasure, just selfishly taking his own.  
  
And Jim totally lost it. His asshole protested being fucked so brutally, but he loved every second of it—loved being used, being held down, having no control whatsoever. Even the thought of what his teammates would say if they saw their captain now—taking it like a pro from a geek they didn't even know the name of—sent an insane thrill to his cock and his nuts.  
  
"Please," he gasped when Spock changed his angle again and started repeatedly hitting his prostate. "No—no—stop." Too much. It was too fucking much. "No--please."  
  
"Your opinion wasn't asked," Spock said before biting him hard on the shoulder. He was slamming into Jim now, putting his whole weight behind his thrusts. Shit, it hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt, and Jim never wanted this to stop. He buried his face in the pillow, muffling his groans and whimpers. He'd never had sex so intense, and so invasive. Weirdly, he felt close to tears and had no idea why.  
  
He lost track of time completely, unable to think, unable to talk, just wanting, and needing. When he came, it was with a half-sob, half-groan, his orgasm ripping through him and asshole clenching around Spock's cock hard. Spock thusted one, twice, and fell on top of him, breathing heavily.  
  
"Holy shit," Jim croaked out, panting.  
  
"Indeed."

 

 

 

  
~*~

 

  
Jim wasn't an afterglow kind of guy. He'd never been one to snuggle after getting his rocks off. Usually, as soon as the other guy was out of him, he was up and about, and on his way to the exit.  
  
So he couldn't explain why half an hour after the second round of sex, he was still lying on top of Spock, face buried in his chest hair.  
  
It wasn't cuddling, dammit. He just didn't feel even the tiniest inclination to move. He felt…comfy and, good lord,  _safe_.  
  
The silence in the room was disturbed only by Spock's inhaling and exhaling.  
  
"Quit smoking in bed. It's not sexy," Jim murmured, putting off the imminent freak out. He felt too nice and fucked out to properly freak out anyway. "And I'd never put you for a smoker."  
  
"Using the word 'never' seems strange to me, as you didn't know of my existence until a few weeks ago," Spock said, his left arm still wrapped securely around Jim's waist.  
  
Jim opened his eyes and looked up at him just as Spock took another drag from his cigarette, his eyes half closed.  
  
Jim stared.  
  
Okay, maybe he’d lied a little: on Spock, smoking was kind of sexy.  
  
It was an odd thought; many would probably call him crazy for thinking that. Spock wasn't really handsome in a conventional way: his face was too pale, his brows were too heavy, his nose wasn’t the straightest out there. But in combination with those deep dark eyes and high cheekbones, his features were…striking. And seeing him smoke was more than a little hot, too.  
  
Spock opened his eyes and caught him looking.  
  
Jim averted his gaze. Chuckled. "Oh I knew of your existence. How couldn't I, when you stared at me all the time? Creep."  
  
Spock carefully stubbed the cigarette in the ashtray on the nightstand. "I was aware that you and your friends called me so. I have good hearing."  
  
Jim felt his skin grow hot.  
  
"It does not bother me," Spock said without any inflection. "People have called me worse."  
  
"Great. Now I feel like a bigger dick."  
  
Spock looked him, his expression unreadable. Jim squashed down the urge to squirm under his gaze and waited. He wasn't sure for what, but he waited.  
  
"Before I learned your name, I had a nickname for you, as well."  
  
Okay. That wasn't what he'd been expecting at all. "Yeah? What nickname?"  
  
Spock's eyes flickered with humor. "The Doll."  
  
Jim was torn between gaping in outrage and laughing. "Hey, not cool. Not cool at all."  
  
Spock's lips twitched slightly. "It wasn't a conscious decision on my part. 'The doll' was what came to my mind when I first saw you."  
  
Okay. Jim decided he was offended after all. "Why? If you say I have the personality of a doll, I swear I'll hurt you."  
  
Spock's hand was stroking up and down his back, but Spock seemed far away. "When I was nine, my three-year-old cousin Brenda gave me a doll for my birthday. She was too young to understand that boys didn't play with dolls, so my mother made me accept the gift in order not to offend her."  
  
Jim pressed his nose against Spock's tiny nipple. Nuzzled it. "And?"  
  
"As I understand it, the doll was called 'Ken,' but I simply called it the Doll."  
  
"And why did I remind you of it?"  
  
"It had blond hair and blue eyes."  
  
"Huh? There are plenty of blue-eyed blonds in California. Don't tell me you call all of them the Doll."  
  
"I told you that it was not a conscious decision on my part."  
  
"And where's the Doll now?"  
  
A pause. "My father decided that I had become too attached to it and threw it away."  
  
Oh.  
  
"I'm sorry?" Jim said, not sure what one was supposed to say in such a situation.  
  
"It was only a doll, Jim," Spock said, dryly. "Please move yourself from me. I need to go to the bathroom."  
  
Jim did.  
  
He watched Spock get out of the bed and head to the bathroom. Spock didn't bother putting anything on; he didn't seem to be self-conscious of his body at all. And well, he certainly didn't have anything to be ashamed of—he was hiding a very nice body under those baggy clothes.  
  
When the door shut behind Spock, Jim finally took the chance to survey his surroundings. Yeah, maybe it was weird that he'd spent a few hours here and was only now looking around, but when Spock was in the room, Jim couldn't concentrating on anything else. Christ, it was weird to be so fixated on the guy, he knew that, but his awareness of that didn't change a thing.  
  
The room was nice—big, well-furnished and tidy but for the mess of their clothes all over the floor. Too tidy, actually. There were very few personal things lying around.  
  
A single framed photograph of an attractive, smiling woman in her early thirties stood on the nightstand. She was dressed in a Starfleet uniform—Jim would recognize one anywhere—and was holding a toddler in her arms. The little boy sported pointy ears, a very familiar bowl cut, and was clad in a miniature science uniform.  
  
Jim found himself smiling.  
  
"Your mom?" he said, gesturing to the picture when Spock returned.  
  
Spock glanced at it. "Yes."  
  
"Well, I guess that explains why your name is Spock." Jim frowned. "Though it doesn't explain everything else. I mean, you can hardly change the fact that your parents gave you that name, but you kinda speak like Spock, and you even have the Vulcan stoic thing mastered. Do you have to have a bowl cut like Spock, too?" Jim chuckled. "Aren't you a bit too old to be a nice little boy for mommy and do as mommy says?"  
  
Spock sat down on the bed and started dressing. "My mother is dead. She died five months ago."  
  
 _Oh_.  
  
Jim stared at his profile, feeling like the biggest dick on Earth. "I'm… Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Obviously."  
  
Spock said nothing, the muscle in his jaw flexing once.  
  
Jim eyed him for a few moments before sitting up. Tentatively, he reached out and touched his shoulder.  
  
Spock stiffened under the touch. "I do not wish your pity."  
  
"Hey, don't be stupid," Jim said, moving closer until his chest pressed against Spock's back. Wrapping his arms around his waist, Jim kissed the back of his neck. Then froze, pulled away, chuckled. "Look, I suck at this kind of thing, but I'm really sorry, and I promise I won't make fun of your bowl cut anymore."  
  
Even though Spock's back was still to him, he could sense Spock relaxing. "That is a great relief," he said dryly, and Jim snorted. "And you are correct: you do suck at 'this kind of thing.'"  
  
Jim grinned and leaned in to say into his ear. "But I'm awesome at sucking. Care for a demonstration again?"  
  
Spock turned his head. Their eyes met. Jim felt heat pool in his stomach.  
  
"A demonstration seems to be in order," Spock murmured before kissing him.  
  
Jim sighed into his mouth. God, it wasn't normal how needy he still felt, even though he’d already come twice.  
  
He tugged Spock down to the mattress with him.  
  
He wanted him.

 

 

 

~*~

  
  
**Captain_Fine** : I had sex with Spock.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Give me a minute to laugh my ass off. Jim Kirk and Spock. It's official: your life is a fanfic.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : You done laughing?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Not yet, but go on. And by the way, what happened to your resolve to stop sleeping around until Kaildth arrives at your doorstep and sweeps you away in his manly arms?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Shit, shut up. Don't remind me.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : So what happened to your resolve, kid?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Spock happened, I guess.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : I kinda want to meet the guy. He must be one hell of a looker.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Not really. But god, does he turn me on. Shit, Bones, we've had sex three times already and I'm sore as hell, but I can't stop touching him. Can't get enough.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Whoa, hold on! Are you saying you're still at his place? It's night already!  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah, he's beside me. Dozed off a few minutes ago. I'm on my netbook now.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : You stayed for the night?!  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Come on, don't look at me like that. I just lost track of time, okay? If you were in my place, you'd do it, too! Every time I tried to leave, the fucker kissed me, or touched me, or looked at me, and I forgot where the goddamn door was.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Now I  _really_ wanna meet him.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : You won't. It's just a one time thing. To get him out of my system so that I can concentrate on Kaildth.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : In my experience, the "getting out of the system" thing never works well. Don't forget to send me an invitation to the wedding.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : You're particularly hilarious today.

 

 

 

~*~

  
**Captain_Fine** : Hey, Bones, can you give me the link to that zine again?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Huh? You told me the other day you already downloaded it.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah, but it's on my laptop at home.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Hold on. You aren't at home?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Jim?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I'm at Spock's.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Well, well, well. I distinctly remember someone telling me yesterday that Spock was a one time thing.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Well, yeah. I swear I tried to keep it that way! I left his place this morning while he slept, and fuck, was that hard, and then went to my classes. When they were over, I really was going to go home, but then I saw him: his mouth, his eyes, his hands, and it was like, I dunno. Like all thoughts left my head. Like I'd die if I didn't feel him again, or something. It's so weird, I dunno.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : And you went back to his place.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah. And had lots of mind-blowing sex. He was kind of pissed off that I left without saying a word to him. Well, he didn't tell me that—Spock doesn't talk about stuff like that—but it was obvious. To be honest, I think he's got some issues.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Huh? What kind of issues?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I got the impression that his mom and he were very close, and he was devastated when she died. And maybe I'm wrong, but it looks like he and Governor Grayson are estranged at best, and Spock has no one else. He's kinda clingy over me.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Shit, clingy? Okay, Jim, my advice to you: get the fuck out of there. Clingy isn't good. You said he was a creep, and if he's on top of that a clingy creep, get out while you can. For all you know, he might turn psycho on you.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : No, it's not like that, Bones. And to be honest…I kind of like it.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : You kind of like it. You, who always ditches guys as soon as they get even a bit attached, like this guy's clinginess?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Okay, maybe 'clingy' is the wrong word. More like he's really intense, you know?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : No, I _don't know_ , Jim. And I don't know what the hell is going on with you. You claim to be in love with one guy, and now you're gagging for another guy.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : For fuck's sake, it's just SEX, Bones. I want Kaiidth, remember? I'm NOT gagging for Spock.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Really? Because you could’ve fooled me. And the lady doth protest too much, me thinks.  
  
… **Captain_Fine**  is offline.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Coward!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~*~

  
"What are you doing?" Spock said, looking over his shoulder.  
  
Jim quickly closed the lid of his netbook and put in on the floor beside the bed.  
  
"Just emailing a friend," he said, turning to lie on his back.  
  
Propping himself up on an elbow, Spock stretched out beside him and looked down at him. He trailed a hand down Jim's chest until it wrapped loosely around his soft dick. The way he’d begun touching Jim's cock lately was strangely intimate—like it was something that belonged to him. Jim felt weird about it, but it wasn't the bad kind of weird.  
  
Jim chuckled. "Are you kidding me? I came twice within an hour. There's no way I can get it up again anytime soon."  
  
Spock didn't let go of his cock, eyeing him intently.  
  
His expression made Jim a bit uncomfortable. "What?"  
  
"You were not emailing a friend. If you were, you would not have been so nervous and worried about my seeing it."  
  
"I really was emailing my friend. Not that it's any of your business."  
  
Spock averted his gaze. "Were you emailing him?" he said, so evenly that it didn't even sound like a question.  
  
Him?  
  
Jim frowned, confused, before a slow grin stretched his lips. "You're jealous."  
  
"I am not. I am merely…curious."  
  
Jim examined his face, but couldn't tell if Spock was lying or not. "And what if I really was emailing him?"  
  
Which he wasn't. Actually, Jim realized in dismay, he hadn't written Kaildth even once in the past week, so wrapped up in Spock that he was. Shit, Bones was right: he was so gaga for Spock it wasn't even funny.  
  
The look Spock gave him made him shiver. "I do not share well."  
  
Jim's dick twitched in Spock's hand. He forced a laugh. "Rich, spoiled boys and their toys, huh? I bet you didn't share your toys with other kids at kindergarten."  
  
"I did not attend a kindergarten. For security reasons."  
  
"Explains a lot," Jim muttered. It really did explain why Spock was so socially awkward.  
  
"Who is he?" Spock said, stroking Jim's dick to full hardness. Really, it was disgusting how easily he accomplished it.  
  
"Doesn't matter. You don't know him," Jim said, eyes closing. Spock had such clever hands. He loved them.  
  
Spock stopped stroking him. "It matters," he said in a strange tone.  
  
Jim opened his eyes to look at him. "Why?"  _Tell me you're jealous. Tell me how much you want me._  
  
Jim did his best to shove away stupid, illogical thoughts. He didn't want Spock to say any of those things. They would only make things complicated. And they would also mean that they were over.  
  
Spock looked straight into his eyes. "Because I do not understand. You could have anyone you wanted. Why are you with me…and not with that individual? I do not understand how he might not want you. I can understand that he may not like your personality, but physically, you are--"  
  
"Wow, thanks," Jim said. Though he didn't want to admit it, Spock's words cut deeply, more than he would have expected. He wasn't sure when, exactly, Spock's opinion on him started to matter, but apparently it did. A great deal.  
  
Spock gave him a look that never failed to make Jim uncomfortable; he always felt like Spock could see right into his soul when he looked at him like that. "I am not saying that you have an unbearable personality, Jim. In fact, I found you to be more tolerable than I expected. I'm simply saying that, like everyone, you have personality flaws, and those may not be to that individual's liking."  
  
"And are they to your liking?" Jim blurted out without thinking.  
  
Their gaze held for what felt like ages.  
  
"I was not aware it mattered to you whether I liked your personality or not," Spock said slowly.  
  
Jim licked his lips. "But do you?"  
  
"I'm not certain." Spock's eyes travelled down his body, lingering on Jim's half-hard cock in his hand before returning to his face. "My physical desire for you might be influencing me more than I think."  
  
Jim found himself grinning. "Is that a yes?"  
  
Spock stared at him. "Maybe," he said before leaning down to kiss his smiling lips.  
  
Still smiling, Jim wrapped all his limbs around Spock and kissed back.  
  
"Let's have boring, vanilla sex for once, hmm?" he murmured against Spock's lips.  
  
Spock went still before pulling back a little to look at him. Then he pressed a feather-light kiss to Jim's lower lip. "I'm amenable to your suggestion," he said softly before rolling onto his back and pulling Jim on top of him.

 

 

 

~*~

  
  
"You guys go ahead. I'll catch up with you later," Jim told his friends and walked quickly towards the lone figure sitting under the big tree at the far end of the quad. If Jim hadn't been looking for Spock, he probably wouldn't have noticed someone sitting there.  
  
Not that he was looking for him that hard. He was just horny and wanted to make out; that was all.  
  
"Hey," Jim said, straddling Spock's thighs. Wrapping his arms around his neck, he kissed Spock, open-mouthed and wet. Mmm. So good.  
  
"Why are you hiding here?" he asked breathlessly when they pulled apart to get some air.  
  
A corner of Spock's lips twitched up. "Has it not occurred to you that perhaps I was hiding from you?"  
  
Grinning, Jim poked his tongue out. "Yeah right. You can't get enough of me and you know it, baby."  
  
Spock gave him an odd look.  
  
Jim laughed a bit too loudly. His face felt hot. "All right, quit looking at me like that. I was just fucking with you. Not gonna call you that again. Sorry if I offended you or something."  
  
Spock's expression changed slightly, and suddenly Jim found himself on his back and Spock was kissing him hard, mouth almost cruel.

 

 

 

 

 

~*~

 

  
"Mom, come on, I'm twenty-one, not twelve," Jim said into the phone, grimacing. "So what if I didn't call for two weeks? It doesn't mean I'm dead and lying in a pool of my own vomit. Oh, come on, you know I don't do drugs. Yes, still gay. How's dad? Yeah, okay. Love you, too." Dropping his phone down to the floor beside the bed, Jim snuggled back to Spock. "Women," he muttered into Spock's neck. "That's why I don't do women. Mmm, you're so warm."  
  
"I thought it was because women lacked one part of anatomy you are so fond of," Spock said, pulling him closer and covering them both with a blanket.  
  
Jim chuckled. "Well, that too," he murmured and, snuggling against Spock's warmth, dozed off.  
  
A little while later, his phone went off again.  
  
"You take it," Jim grumbled sleepily.  
  
"You will have to let go of me first," Spock said with amusement in his voice.  
  
"Don't wanna," Jim muttered into Spock's neck, tightening his arms around him. "Cold. Stay in bed with me."  
  
"But it might be something important, Jim."  
  
"Nothing is more important than keeping me warm."  
  
"We will have to get up in an hour anyway to attend our classes," Spock said, his fingers playing with Jim's hair idly. Mmm, it was nice.  
  
"Screw classes."  
  
"We already missed classes three times this week. It is highly irresponsible."  
  
Jim scowled. He didn't want to go to class. It wasn't like he'd been doing anything productive in them anyway, since all he could think about during class was—  
  
Jim rolled out of the bed. "On second thought, let's go to class."  
  
Ignoring Spock's confused expression, he started dressing.  
  
Today, he would be productive in class even if it killed him. He wasn't going to count minutes until he could get back into Spock's arms.  
  
Nope, he so wasn't.

 

 

 

~*~

  
  
"…so Tracy is all, 'I don't put out on the first date, I'm not that kind of girl,' and I'm like, 'But don't you like me, Babe?' And she's like, 'Of course,' so I kissed her and led her to my bedroom. You can probably guess the rest."  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"Dude, are you even listening to me?"  
  
"Uh huh," Jim said, watching Spock write down what Professor Higgins was saying. Jim was pretty sure Spock was the only student in the room who bothered actually taking notes in this class. He was such a geek, god.  
  
"So when I went down on Tracy, her pussy turned into a cock and I ended up with a mouth full of dick. Man, I was grossed out and tried to pull away, but she held my head down and forced me to suck it, chanting 'suck that dick, you love this dick, you cocksucker—’"  
  
Jim's head whipped around. "Wait, what?"  
  
Gary cracked up. "Got your attention, didn't it?"  
  
Rolling his eyes, Jim turned back. "I always knew you were secretly gagging for dick, but keep your dirty fantasies to yourself, would you? My innocent virgin ears."  
  
"Oh shut it, you fag," Gary sad affectionately. "I'm not the one who's gagging for dick here. Dude, you stopped being obvious a week ago, and now you're just downright embarrassing."  
  
Jim went still, forcing his eyes off Spock. "I don't know what you mean."  
  
He felt Gary's eyes on him. "You sure do, Jim. I've never seen you so whipped."  
  
Jim snorted a laugh. "Whipped? Oh fuck off."  
  
"Laugh all you want, Jim, but it's getting obvious to everyone. Even Rick noticed you mooning over the Cree—Spock—and Rick doesn't even know about you fucking him."  
  
"Why is it so hard to grasp that it's just sex?!" Jim exploded.  
  
The classroom went completely silent, every student turning to look at him.  
  
Including Spock.  
  
Jim flushed.  
  
Shit.  
  
"Mr. Kirk, if you are done enlightening the class that you're having a meaningless sexual affair, I would appreciate if you refrained from shouting in my class in the future," Professor Higgins said coldly.  
  
His cheeks burning, he nodded and tried to catch Spock's eyes, but Spock turned away before he could.  
  
Jim stared at his back for the rest of the period.  
  
Spock didn't turn around.

 

 

 

~*~

  
Wiping his palms off on his jeans, Jim rang the bell.  
  
Even through the door, he could hear the muffled sound of approaching footsteps. Could hear Spock stop.  
  
The door stayed closed.  
  
"Spock, open the door. Please." He forced out a chuckle. "Come on, don't be such a drama queen."  
  
Not a single sound.  
  
"Come on. Please. Let me in."  
  
Spock opened the door but blocked the way, his face unreadable.  
  
He was still wearing the same clothes he wore for class. "Why?"  
  
"What do you mean, 'why'? Let me in."  
  
"Why do you wish to come in? For what purpose?"  
  
Jim opened his mouth, then closed it.  
  
Spock's lips thinned. "I see." He started to shut the door.  
  
Jim forced his way in. "No, Spock—I want—"  
  
Spock grabbed him by the collar. "You know what the problem is?" He slammed the door shut and pushed Jim against it, ignoring his startled grunt. "It always appears to be about what  _you_ want. You think only of your own desires and needs, disregarding those of other individuals. You are here for physical copulation  _you_ desire. It's the only thing you want, is it not?"  
  
"Spock, come on, it's not—"  
  
"Indeed?" Spock's grip on Jim's shoulders almost hurt now.  "You were rather adamant about it when you informed the entire class of the fact."  
  
Jim couldn't say anything.  
  
Spock's lips twisted into something awful. "At least you were honest that I was not good enough for you to be anything more than a meaningless fling while you wait for that perfect individual you claim to love."  
  
"I don't 'claim' anything," Jim grit out, suddenly pissed off. He wasn't even sure why, but something about Spock's words rubbed him the wrong way—though technically, Spock was saying the truth…right?  
  
"Do you not?" Spock said, cocking his head.  His glare seemed to penetrate him. "To tell the truth, I am not entirely convinced that person even exists. I am half-inclined to think that you invented him, or invented the love you feel for him."  
  
Jim laughed. "You're crazy. Why would I do that?"  
  
"I do not know," Spock said, his voice going quiet and thoughtful. "Perhaps because you are scared to love someone. Perhaps because it is safe for you to 'love' someone unattainable, and you cling to that 'love' because it gives you the perfect reason not to enter into any real relationships."  
  
When Jim said nothing—could say nothing—Spock continued, "I was wrong about you in the beginning. You do not intentionally play with others' hearts because you enjoy breaking them. Now I think you do it because you are afraid to break yours." He eyed Jim for a moment. "Who has done it to you, Jim?"  
  
His chest tight, Jim swallowed the huge lump that had lodged in his throat.  "No one. And fuck you, Spock. You know shit about me. And you have the gall to accuse me of using you for sex—you, whose first words to me were that you want to have sex with me, you fucking hypocrite!"  
  
"Perhaps I am a hypocrite," Spock said, pressing his face against Jim's cheek. Hot breaths brushed Jim's ear. "But I am not afraid to admit that I was wrong. And I do not lie to myself about what I want." He gave a hot, open-mouthed kiss to the side of Jim's face. "And all I want is—"  
  
"Don't."  
  
"—you," Spock finished, ignoring him. He kissed below Jim's ear. "I wish to have you in my bed, go to sleep with you in my arms and wake up to the sight of you snoring and drooling on my chest. I wish to go to sleep knowing that tomorrow you still will be there. I do not want to be a meaningless  _fling_ anymore—"  
  
"Shut up." Jim felt like he was suffocating. "Shut. Up. You fucking ruined everything. I don't fucking want this—I—I—If you think there's going to be a sappy moment where I admit that I love you, then you're a fucking idiot, Spock. I love someone else—I fucking told you that. And you know what, Spock?" When Spock pulled back a little to look at his face, Jim met his eyes and said, "I pity you."  
  
Spock flinched.  
  
Jim chuckled. "You think you're the first one to develop some feelings for me after a few weeks of sex? Well, you aren't. And other guys were as delusional as you, but at least they weren't pathetic enough to come up with some insane theory about the poor, heartbroken Jim who's afraid to fall in love again. Pathetic. You're fucking pathetic."  
  
Spock's expression went stony. "Pathetic," he repeated, and something about that tone of his made Jim want to blurt out  _I'm sorry, please don't hurt, I didn't want to hurt you_. He squashed down the urge. It was for the best. They were over. He couldn't return whatever feelings Spock had for him, so it was better for Spock to remember him as a heartless dick.  
  
"I am pathetic to you," Spock flatly. "Did you think I was pathetic when you begged me to take you? When you snuggled against me for hours, refusing to let go even when you were asleep?"  
  
Jim wet his lips, his breathing elevating. "I never denied that you were good in the sack. You're awesome at sex, no lie there. But that's it."  
  
Spock stared at him for a moment.  
  
"From now on, you will have to find someone else to entertain you in bed." He let go of Jim and stepped back. "Leave."  
  
Jim swallowed, his gut churning. It wasn't that it was unexpected; he always broke it off with other guys at this point, and besides, he had pushed Spock to do this.  
  
But.  
  
He stared at Spock—at his carefully blank, stoic face, at the thin, sensual lips, at the usually expressive eyes currently void of emotion—and thought, _this can't be it._  
  
He didn't want it to be.  
  
What he wanted was to cover the distance between them and bury himself in Spock's arms, feel him all over: in him, over him, underneath him. Just feel him.  
  
As if out of their own volition, his feet moved. Not to the door. To Spock.  
  
Spock gave him a cold look, his hands clasped behind his back. "I told you to leave. Leave."  
  
"I know," Jim said, coming to a halt only when their shoes touched. Licked his lips. Put a hand on Spock's neck, felt Spock tense. "Can I kiss you? For the last time?" Please.  
  
Spock's eyes widened slightly before narrowing. "I cannot believe your audacity. Step away from me."  
  
Ignoring his words, Jim wrapped his arms around Spock's waist and leaned against his rigid frame. "I know—I'm a selfish dick."  He pressed his lips against Spock's neck. Breathed in. God. Kissed again.  
  
"Leave," Spock said, but his voice broke on the word. His chest was heaving. "Let me go, Jim. Please."  
  
"I'm being an asshole, I know," Jim whispered, kissing Spock's neck in frantic, needy kisses. "But I want you. Come on, please. Just once, then I'll get the fuck out of your life."  
  
Spock made a strange, hoarse sound before grabbing his head and kissing him hard, all tongue, teeth and seeking lips.  
  
The rest was a blur. Just the sensation of insane want and need burning under his skin, in his dick, in his mind, in his kisses and Spock's touch—his skin aflame everywhere Spock touched. Hands tugging then ripping the clothes off, touching and groping, squeezing. Mouth biting, sucking and covering him in angry, bruising kisses. A sharp pain as a hastily lubed-up cock breached him. His own voice, sounding wrecked as Spock fucked him hard without a hint of restraint—like a mindless, raging animal that hurt and wanted to hurt.  
  
Jim came, hugging Spock tightly to himself, clinging to him as Spock climaxed inside him, his entire body shaking.  
  
They hadn't used a condom.  
  
Jim didn't give a fuck.  
  
For a little while, the room was absolutely silent but for the sound of their harsh breathing.  
  
"I'm sorry," Jim whispered, laying a damp kiss to Spock's sweaty shoulder.  
  
Spock stiffened and rolled off him. He got up and started dressing, his movements jerky and angry. "Leave," he said, the flatness of his voice contradicting with the angry vibe he was giving off. "Now."  
  
He turned away and wouldn't look at Jim.  
  
Ignoring the protests of his bruised body, Jim got to his feet on weak knees and did as he'd been told.  
  
He left.  
  
It was probably the most selfless thing he had done in his life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part IV

  
**HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : So are you finished working on that fic? The Academy AU one?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : no.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Ah. Got writer's block?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : no.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Aren't we chatty today.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Jim?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Kid, are you alright?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : not really.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Shit, what happened, Jim? Is it your mom? Your dad?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : No, nothing like that, Bones. No one's dead.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Then what? I don't remember the last time you actually admitted you weren't okay.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I just. I never thought it was possible to feel so shitty about something you pushed to happen. It would be fucking hilarious if it wasn't so sad. I feel like crying, can you believe that?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Okay, now you're starting to freak me out. What's up, Jim?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I broke it off with Spock. Or he broke it off with me. Not sure who did the ditching.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Oh.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Maybe you should eat ice cream or something. I heard it helps after messy breakups.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Already on it. Still want to cry, and not the manly kind of crying, either. Not kidding here.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Dammit, Jim. Why the hell did you break up with the guy if it makes you so miserable?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I didn't expect to feel so shitty. And the most frustrating part is, I don't get why I feel so shitty. It wasn't supposed to be like that. I usually feel kinda bad for the other guy when I break things off, but it's nothing like that now.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Alright, I'm gonna ask you something completely hypothetical now, Jim, so don't flip out over it.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Shoot. Though I already don't like it.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Hasn't it occurred to you even for a moment—just a moment—that you might have actually developed some feelings for the guy? Not saying that you did here. Just a theory.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Jim? You there?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I don't know.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Huh? You don't know if you're there?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : No, not that.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Ah.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I thought I didn't. I mean, I've had a thing for Kaildth for ages, so I didn't expect anything like that at all. But I'm not an idiot. It wouldn't have hurt if there wasn't anything there, right? Fuck, I saw him today at college and nearly lost it when he completely ignored me. Like I wasn't even there.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Dammit, Jim. I don't even know what to say.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Wait a minute, ok? Kaildth is online. I'll go say hi.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Yeah, whatever. I'll be here for about an hour. Then I'm going to work. Have a night shift today.  
  
  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Hey there.  
  
 **Kaildth** : Hello, Chris. I have not seen you online for a few weeks.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I've been very busy in RL, so we must have missed each other or something.  
  
 **Kaildth** : Indeed.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : How are things?  
  
 **Kaildth** : Everything is adequate.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Adequate? Hmm, maybe it's just me, but you seem off.  
  
 **Kaildth** : You are very perceptive.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Come on, spill. Is it Nero again?  
  
 **Kaildth** : No.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Then what?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Zach?  
  
 **Kaildth** : Come on a date with me.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : hjdhfhhfhj  
  
 **Kaildth** : Pardon?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Shit, fuck, sorry! I dropped my ice cream on the keyboard. Fuck, what a mess. Wait a minute, OK?  
  
 **Kaildth** : Very well.  
  
  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Bones, Bones! He asked me on a date! How should I reply?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : WHAT? FOR REAL?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Not kidding.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : well, that's a bit sudden, don't you think?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : IKR? I even dropped my ice cream on my laptop.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : But isn't he from NYC or something? I thought he mentioned that a few years ago.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Huh, you're right. I'll ask him.  
  
  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Finally wiped the mess off. Sorry.  
  
 **Kaildth** : My suggestion seems to have startled you.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : well, yeah, a little. It's a bit sudden. I thought you were from NYC. Didn't I tell you I lived in California?  
  
 **Kaildth** : You did. As it happens, I have business in California that needed my attention and I am temporarily residing here.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I'm in San Francisco. You?  
  
 **Kaildth** : I can travel to San Francisco. That is, if you agree.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Fuck, I don't even know what to say. It's really sudden, Zach.  
  
 **Kaildth** : I understand, and I would understand if you declined the offer. To tell the truth, my invitation somewhat startled me as well, and perhaps it is too selfish on my part as I cannot guarantee you anything. Right now I am not in the best frame of mind because of a recent breakup. I just need a distraction.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Oh. And you want me to be that distraction.  
  
 **Kaildth** : I hope I did not offend you. I genuinely like you.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : No, not at all. I get it, really.  
  
 **Kaildth** : You do?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Yeah. A little while back, I had a bad breakup, too, and to be honest, I'm still smarting over it. It's all very confusing, and I'm not sure what I want, so I'd like a distraction as well. How about a friendly date, and we'll see how it goes? Hey, we may find out that we aren't each other's types at all.  
  
 **Kaildth** : Indeed. A friendly date works for me.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Great! So where do you want to meet?  
  
 **Kaildth** : I will make a reservation at a restaurant I frequented when I was in San Francisco. I will inform you tomorrow of the address and time. Is that sufficient?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Sure, why not. Though how are we going to recognize each other?  
  
 **Kaildth** : I will reserve a table under the name of Zachary Quinto.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : It's crazy to tell a stranger your full name, so I'm guessing it's not your real name.  
  
 **Kaildth** : No, it is not. I would like to make introductions in person.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Works for me. Hey, can I ask you something? Could you tell me your age? It'd be awkward if it turned out that we're generations apart. Age difference isn't really my kink.  
  
 **Kaildth** : It is a reasonable request. I am in my twenties.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Great, same here. I guess we'll talk tomorrow?  
  
 **Kaildth** : I will write to you.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Okay, then. Good night, Zach.  
  
 **Kaildth** : Good night.  
  
 _Kaildth is offline._  
  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : We're going on a date, Bones.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : I've gotta say I'm confused by the lack of exclamation points and flailing.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I'm confused, too. It's all so…anticlimactic, you know? I should have been over the moon because I'm having a date with Kaildth— _Kaildth_ —but I'm not. I'm really not. Shit, what's up with me?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Good question.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : God, I hate him, Bones. I hate him so much.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Er? Kaildth?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Kaildth? Spock.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Well, forgive me for misunderstanding you. I thought we were talking about Kaildth, but it was probably too much to assume you were thinking about him at the time. My bad.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I know I always say you aren't that funny, but now you really aren't funny. I thought you were supposed to be my friend, not a smartass. Well, glad to be a source of constant entertainment for you. Anything for a friend, right?  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Dammit, Jim, what the hell do you want from me? What advice can I give to you when you don't seem to know what you want yourself? First you claim to love Kaildth, then you spend a few weeks rolling in bed with another guy, then you remember that you love Kaildth and ditch the guy, then you finally get a date with Kaildth but instead of being happy you're moping and bitching about Spock and how much you hate him for ruining your neat life but kinda want him at the same time. Did I miss something?  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : Not really.  
  
 **HyposAreGoodForTheSoul** : Seriously, Jim. Just take a step back and look at the situation, think of what you really want from your life. You're a smart guy. I know we guys can be spectacularly bad at dealing with emotions and stuff, but you can figure it out. I know you can.  
  
 **Captain_Fine** : I'm not that sure about that, Bones.  


 

 

 

 

~*~

 

  
  
The Finnegan family moved into their neighborhood when Jim was eight.  
  
"Be a nice little boy, Jimmy," his mom had said, straightening his collar as they stood before the Finnegan house. "We must make a good first impression on them. I hear their son Sean is a very nice, well-mannered boy." She gave him a pointed look.  
  
Jim smiled innocently. "What do you mean, mom? I'll just be myself!"  
  
"That's what I'm afraid of," his mom murmured with a snort.  
  
Before Jim could say anything, the door opened and an extremely small—and an extremely dirty-looking—blonde boy scowled at them. "What do you want?" he asked, glowering.  
  
Jim immediately decided he liked him.  
  
Yeah, he had liked him alright—too much, actually, as it turned out years later, when Sean punched him square in the jaw and called him a faggot. Considering that it happened right after Jim told him he loved him and tried to kiss him, it was, well…awkward.  
  
Jim's lips twisted at the memory and he took a sip of his wine. It was undoubtedly rude of him to order before his date showed up, but the wine did a good job of keeping him from overthinking the whole date-with-Kaildth thing.  
  
But it also did a fantastic job of forcing him to think of things he hadn't thought about for ages.  
  
Human memory could be so random sometimes, missing the important stuff and fixating on the strangest things. After five years, Jim couldn't say he remembered the expression of Sean's face when he shoved him away, couldn't really remember what Sean had said—only that every word felt like a punch to his solar plexus. What Jim did remember vividly from that night was the cold wind blowing right in his face as he walked home, the taste of blood from his split lip mixing with the taste of tears—tears of anger, and humiliation, and hurt.  
  
He remembered thinking  _never again._  
  
And he had no idea why he was thinking about it now. Okay, he knew why: Spock. All of this was Spock's fault, damn it.  
  
But Spock was wrong. Jim wasn't  _scared_ of getting attached or anything. If that was the case, he wouldn't have gotten so attached to Kaildth, right?  
  
Except…except Kaildth wasn't a real person.  
  
Jim straightened up, frowning at the thought. He examined it carefully. With a sinking feeling, he realized that it was more than possible. If he was honest with himself, he'd never really thought that he would ever meet Kaildth. Even their recent conversations, while interesting and often honest, never quite ventured into the personal territory.  
  
All things considered, they were perfect strangers to each other.  
  
Jim stared into nothing, his mind racing. Shit. It might be that Spock had been right—fuck it, he  _was_ right. He really was that fucked-up.  
  
He didn't love Kaildth at all.  
  
He loved the idea of loving someone, but he’d picked up someone completely unreachable as an object of that love. Loving Kaildth was safe. He couldn't get hurt. Kaildth couldn't hurt him.  
  
Real people could.  
  
Spock could.  
  
Spock.  
  
As usual lately, the thought of Spock made his gut twist into a tight knot of longing, anxiousness and want. The want felt like a craving, causing a physical ache deep in his chest, in his gut, under his skin. God he wanted him. Missed him.  
  
 _Then why not get him?_  
  
Jim looked at the empty chair opposite him.  
  
He didn't want Kaildth to occupy it.  
  
He wanted someone else entirely.  
  
Jim slowly got up, put a few bills on the table, and walked out of the restaurant. A small part of him couldn't believe that he really was ditching  _Kaildth_ , but mostly, he was anxious, and excited, and worried—what if it was too late and Spock wouldn't take him back?  
  
He quickened his steps until he was nearly jogging. It wasn't even eight yet; if he took a taxi, he would get to Spock's—  
  
Jim came to a halt abruptly.  
  
Spock was walking towards him. He seemed not to have noticed Jim, though. He appeared deep in thought, walking uncharacteristically slow, as if he didn't care about reaching his destination or didn't even have one.  
  
Jim badly wanted to bury himself in that adorably huge sweater Spock was wearing.  
  
Spock noticed him only when he was a few steps away. He came to a halt so suddenly that it would have been comical if Jim wasn't so nervous. Spock's eyes widened slightly before he seemed to remember that he hated Jim now. His jaw clenched and he started walking again—past Jim.  
  
Okay, that just wouldn't do.  
  
Jim caught his arm.  
  
Spock stopped, the muscles of his arm tensing in his grip. "Unhand me," he said, not looking at him.  
  
Jim did—he needed both of his arms to wrap himself around Spock, after all.  
  
"What are you doing?" Spock asked, his voice a bit shaky as Jim tightened his arms around his waist and back.  
  
Jim pressed his nose against his neck. Inhaled greedily. If heaven existed, it probably felt like this.  
  
"You were right and I was an idiot." He kissed Spock's neck, nuzzled it. God. "Can we please skip the part when you're mad at me to the make-up sex part?"  
  
"I do not understand," Spock said, clearly attempting to sound cold and failing spectacularly—failing because his hands were already pulling Jim closer.  
  
"What's there to understand?" Jim let out a small moan when Spock started covering his face in kisses. "I was a dick and an idiot, but now I know I was a dick and an idiot, so we— Fuck, kiss me. C'mon, kiss me."  
  
When Spock's mouth touched his, Jim sighed, the joy and relief so intense and overwhelming that his knees buckled. Spock's warmth, his scent, his taste: all of this was so achingly familiar. It felt like coming home after months of exhausting work, which was fucking ridiculous; he hadn’t know Spock all that long.  
  
They pulled apart only when passing cars started honking at them, both breathing hard. Jim was aware that people were gawking at them but couldn't let go. Spock was warm and solid against him.  
  
Spock's dark eyes seemed to seek something on his face.  
  
Jim licked his lips. "Long story short, I changed my mind. Let's have that sappy moment when you say that all you want is me, and I say it back?"  
  
Spock just stared at him.  
  
Jim forced a smile, his heart beating like crazy. "Look, if you don't say anything, I'm gonna puke on you. I'm not kidding."  
  
And Spock…smiled.  
  
Jim blinked and then stared.  
  
"Okay, that's just creepy," he said, though he couldn't stop staring. "I didn't know you could smile."  
  
If anything, Spock's smile widened. Holy shit, he was beautiful when he smiled. Creepy.  
  
"Do you not remember, Jim?" he said against his lips before kissing him lightly. "I'm a creep."  
  
"Ha ha, you're so funny," Jim said before kissing him again. And again. God, he couldn't get enough. He smiled at Spock dazedly. "Let's go to your place. Or were you going somewhere?"  
  
Spock looked at his smiling face, brushed a thumb over his cheek. "No," he said, looking him in the eye. "I have nowhere else to be."

 

 

 

 

 

~*~

  
  
From: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
To:[ kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
Hi, Zach. Look, I'm really sorry for standing you up. I know, I'm a dick, and I have the worst timing ever, but I realized a few things while I waited for you at the restaurant. Remember I told you that a little while back I had a bad break-up? So, while I waited for you, I realized that I want him, and only him. The thought of kissing, having sex with anyone other than him turns my stomach and I  fucking hate the idea of not feeling him again. Is that love? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. Hell, I don't even know him that well, and he drives me crazy half of the time, but weirdly, it doesn't seem to matter; I'd take him with all his flaws and infuriating quirks over the perfect guy I met online: you. I'm really sorry, man. I hope you aren't too pissed at me and we can stay friends. I like you a lot, and I will probably always have a bit of a crush on you. :-) No hard feelings, OK?  
  
From: [kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
To: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
Subject: Re: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
Hello, Chris. As I did not attend our meeting as well, I am immensely relieved to learn that you did not wait for me. Although you possess qualities I had been seeking in a relationship partner, such as compassion, intelligence, and shared love for Star Trek, my ex-partner is the one I want. He may not like Star Trek—in fact, he considers the series retarded—but I find that it is of little relevance. I wished to, but I could not cease wanting him, and I do not mean it only in sexual sense. Even if you and I found each other compatible and started a relationship, I would have probably ended up comparing you and him, and not in your favor, even if you turned out to be the most perfect individual in the world—it would not have been fair to you. Despite our differences, he is everything I want and I am willing to work on our relationship. I wish you luck with yours. I, too, would like for us to stay friends. Live long and prosper. :)  
  
From: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
To:[kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
Back at you! :D  
P.S. Hey, you used a smile! The world really must be ending. Or is he that special?  
  
From: [kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
To: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
Every sentient individual is special.  
  
From: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
To:[kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
Oh come on, Zach!  
  
From: [kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
To: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
To me, he is.  
  
From: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
To:[kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
Aww, I want to meet him! He must be cute.  
  
From: [kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
To: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
Very.  
  
From: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
To:[kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
His best asset? Ass, hands, lips, pecs? Brain?  
  
From: [kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
To: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
Eyes. Or his smile. He has a beautiful smile, especially when he is truly excited about something. Though, he does not lack in any of the other areas that you named.  
  
Sometimes I look at him and cannot believe that he is mine.  
  
From: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
To:[kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
Sounds like the guy is pretty much perfect.  
  
From: [kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
To: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
No, he is by no means perfect. He has some truly disgusting habits, and thanks to him, my apartment has never been messier, but I find that I do not care. It is disturbing and perplexing how much I like having him at my place, having him sleep in my bed and wear my clothes.  
  
From: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
To:[kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
Aw, looks like Mr. Kaildth is totally smitten! :)  
  
From: [kaildth@gmail.com](http://d/)  
To: [captain_fine@gmail.com](http://g/)  
Subject: I'm sorry, I suck.  
  
He might be.

 

 

 

The End


End file.
